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This Issue 01/18/2007

Also in this issue

• GETting in
• Daytripping Rocky Style
• Sweet Emo-Shin
• Five guys in one room
• Thoughts on the new year

Nose Job Files: Spruce St. de-chartered, who supports his taste for plastic surgery with proceeds from his online franchise, is rumored to have made things official with longtime girlfriend. The entrepreneur claims his newly-minted marriage license is "just for a cruise"..Also from the Nose-Jobs-from-abroad files: OUT -- boob jobs in Latin America. IN - nose jobs in South Africa.
Sighted: Pennquest hippies looking for tips on social dominance from outgoing Tabard president's house on a Thursday night..Party-heavyweight seniors winning and then losing thousands in Atlantic City..Aristocratic Brit Owl slumming it at ABP in a conversation-fueling embroidered Bape jacket.
Out of the newsroom: powerful nerds trading barbs with Amy Gutmann and getting down to Top 40 at the Daily Pennsylvanian banquet. Not sighted: Notorious (and homeless) Theos senior at Denim, due to a lifetime ban for mischievous bathroom behavior.
Gay/Straight rumors: Gay - salsa-dancing Beta society-ite, an attached Beta sophomore and all Fine Arts majors. Also gay: Neanderthals. Related: the burgeoning homoerotic undercurrent of secret societies. Also related: Major thyroid problems - Theta.
Marks of a new regime: Having recently assumed office, new Tabard royalty refuses to comment on anyone's dramatic weight loss while abroad, creating waves of widespread consternation....Owls pledges begin process of inflated self-image on a rush trip to Miami.
Loss of the old regime: A's seniors having difficulty getting into 21st birthday parties at the Walnut Room..Theta (and Owls) waves goodbye to its long-standing princess, who graduated in December..The dissolution of several senior class power couples.
The Lefort Report: Man-about-town is now man-out-of-town, after being successfully ousted by his (approximately) 28-year-old A's Van Gogh wannabe. He says he'll be doing "whatever he wants" for the next semester, but please support our "Free Bryce" campaign. All donations go directly to his trust fund.