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This Issue 01/25/2007

Also in this issue

• a-Maze-ing
• 2007 Restaurant week primer
• Can't Live Wii It, Can't Live Wii-out It

.And I'm not saying that I did, but if I had mugged nine West Philadelphians-and by nine, I mean eight that the police know about-I would've done it for a good reason. Like, say I spilled Cherry Coke on my girlfriend's brother's Nintendo Wii and needed to buy him a new one, I would probably start mugging people. if I did it.
I'd plan to attack college girls for obvious reasons. Maybe I could have had a grudge against one of them after I asked her out on a date to the Bridge and she turned me down. So next, I would realize that I'd need some sort of weapon to strike fear into the hearts of my victims. I would need a tool so terrifying, it would become my namesake. I'd most likely go to the Home Depot two streets down from my house to find it, because I'm friends with the guy who mixes paint and maybe I could get a discount . if I did it.
Upon entering the store, I would peruse the shelves for my weapon of choice. A jigsaw? No, I don't like puzzles. Perhaps a T-square? A worthy nickname, yes, but not menacing enough. And then I would see it-"Screwdrivers-50% OFF," and taking this as a sign, I would purchase my Black & Decker screwdriver and some Skittles, using the self-checkout because of its anonymity. Afterwards, my girlfriend would've yelled at me for buying the Skittles with her Visa, because, "they were only 59 cents" and I should've "used my own goddamned money" . if I did it.
Later that night, the first of my "alleged" crime spree, I would've approached my target, her feet pattering quietly against the moist sidewalk. It had been foggy that day and the last wisps of moisture from a bizarre winter heat wave lay curling around my ankles. The disquiet of that evening weighed heavy in my heart, as I had not yet unsheathed my secret weapon, and I wondered if its pointed tip would be effective in my planned endeavor. Too late to second-guess myself, I cradled that shiny handle in the palm of my hand, reflecting on the reasons that brought me here tonight. "Wealth is the parent of luxury and indolence, and poverty of meanness and viciousness, and both of discontent," I bemoaned, recounting the immortal words of Plato. And then I ran up behind her, shoved my screwdriver in her face, and got the cash as a single tear rolled down my quivering cheek.if I did it.