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This Issue 02/01/2007

Also in this issue

• Rooters
• Rebuttal from a man big enough to use his real name, Ruben Brosbe
• Reviews
• Give me 5

Militant Vegans Storm Campu
On Wednesday, January 24th, Houston Hall became the unsuspecting host of a terrorist attack at the hands of what can only be described as militant vegans. Witnesses report that a group of 8-12 paramilitary-trained insurgents, armed with semi-automatic weapons and hemp bracelets, raided the bottom floor of Houston, crying, "Flesh for flesh, bitches," and pausing momentarily to taste the FarmEcology soup of the day. They then proceeded to set the beloved grill, Blaze, ablaze. Employees of the Sushi Station retaliated with nunchucks and ninja stars, but to no avail.
Police were able to detain one of the suspects, who mistook the long, unmoving Blaze line for a student sit-in. "We're not going to allow others to feast heartlessly on the blood of innocent animals!" She yelled while being dragged away by Penn police. Two of the female insurgents died in the attack. Forensic specialists concluded that it was the excess body hair and unwashed skin that made them ripe for ignition on the Blaze grill.
PETA officials applauded the effort, claiming that "the shed of human blood will not cease until animals are given the civil rights they deserve." PETA is hosting an awards dinner in honor of the two martyrs, promising to serve non-dairy, non-gluten, non-denominational hummus. Just hummus.