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This Issue 02/08/2007

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• Penne: Hers
• Daily schedule
• Valentine's Day 2007

PHILADELPHIA, PA. Area man John Hanson, on the advice of a former girlfriend, married his TiVo last Thursday in a civil ceremony at City Hall. Two weeks prior, while watching previously recorded season three episodes of 90210 (when Andrea was deciding whether to go to Yale or not), Hanson's girlfriend, vying for attention, exclaimed in anger, "If you love your TiVo so much, why don't you marry it?" According to Hanson, "It just made sense. It knows what I want, when I want it and it never judges my soap opera addiction." The courtship began with episodes of TLC's A Dating Story and MTV's Next. They hit a rough patch with HBO's showing of Closer, after which, they became cynical about the promise of love. However, the following night's Julia Roberts marathon on TBS healed old wounds and opened new ones. "After seeing Stepmom, the fear of dying alone really resonated. But TiVo reminded me that "there ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep it away from me.babe." The Cinderella story culminated with vows ("I promise to dust, to replace your batteries every four to six months, and to turn you on when I come home") and with an airing of Father of the Bride: Part II by the TiVo. The wedding night was consummated with episodes of HBO's Real Sex followed by tender spooning while debating who is hotter, McDreamy or McSteamy. Hanson comments, "TiVo prefers the defibrillator, and being the big spoon."