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• Slim-down countdown

This Issue 02/15/2007

Also in this issue

• Reno 911 Extended Interview
• Street Sweeper
• Going down singin'
• Armed and Hilarious

There are 16 days until Spring Break, and you are fat. That leaves you five days for bingeing, two days to "work out" and "eat healthy," and nine days to crash diet so that you can trawl the beaches without being accidentally harpooned by a nearsighted sailor.

Continuing Penn's rich history of invention, we have developed, solicited and collected the most innovative and effective (or affected, as the case may be) diets since Gandhi. What doesn't kill you makes you thinner.

Disclaimer: We encourage you to feel positive about your body. Positive that you're going to lose that weight.

52nd street sprint diet

If the only thing between your bulging waistline and Spring Break Cabo is lack of motivation, try The 52nd Street Sprint. We guarantee those legs will start moving when you're in a part of town where a Specta guard won't even hold your hand.

Start on 40th and Market Street and run west. A recent jaunt provided homeless men buying children alcohol and street-corner domestic altercations - the perfect obstacles to tone those calves. By 43rd Street, Market narrows to a single gravel lane under the El tracks, where sleeping vagrants and broken glass offer natural hurdles, and intermittent police chases will keep you on your toes.

Once you've reached the Long John Silver's at 52nd Street you'll be praying for a neighborhood where the only thing the criminals pack are screwdrivers. Turn around and get the hell out of there; for extra incentive, take the Locust Street route, where the High Rises loom as an oasis of safety. For extra-extra incentive, run at sundown.

- Vince Levy

Commons diet

Since you live twelve inches from 1920 Commons, there is no exercise involved in this diet. But the concentration of laxatives (surprise!) makes up for the lack of physical activity and proves that you literally can shit where you eat. Breakfast: Wake up your bowels with a hearty serving of runny eggs. Lunch: By noon, you've already clogged your toilet three times and found that marble you swallowed when you were five. Ignore the oddly familiar look of your Kosher split pea soup. Dinner: You've begun to smell like SEPTA and you may be breaking out. Add some protein with the country meat loaf, hot stuff. It doesn't matter what country it's from; in a few hours, it will all look the same. Forty-eight hours of this will leave you five pounds lighter and Aramark much richer.

- Eric Obenzinger

Adderall Diet