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• The WORST of penn
• Guides

This Issue 09/13/2007

Also in this issue

• Word on the Street
• Getting Down On The farm
• Woodcock rocks
• Defibrillator

So you're a freshman. You just survived NSO, but you're still walking in a pack, calling your parents twice a day, and desperately grasping for club meetings to attend - let's face it: you're clueless.

Or maybe you're a hardened upperclassmen who's more likely to be recognized by the overnight security guards at Rosengarten than the bouncers at Smoke's. Either way, we here at Street are looking out for you and have compiled this trusty insiders' guide to life at Penn. At some point in your four years here, you will probably lose your phone, your wallet and your dignity, so don't say we didn't warn you.

At some point in the near future, you'll want to explore Center City. There are a few things you should know before this happens. First, you're going to want a fake ID. Try making friends with an upperclassman who looks like you and gank/ask for his when you get a chance. If that fails, your next best option is to hop on a Chinatown bus ($20 round trip, 11th and Filbert) to New York in order to become "Peter Singer of 5324 W. Queen Street, Toronto, Ontario." $60 is a small price to pay for being able to projectile vomit in Rittenhouse Square. Second, learn how to use a sidewalk. You may think it's OK - which, by the way, it's not - to saunter lazily down Locust Walk during the midday rush hour, four-wide with a coterie of your friends, halting traffic each minute or so to chat with that dude you "totally, like, hooked up with during NSO," but if you pull that kind of shit off Penn's campus, you'll be lucky to escape with just an impolite shoulder check. And last, but certainly not least, avoid credit card tabs at all costs. Cocktails add up quickly, and no matter how cute the stranger you're grinding up on at the bar may be, $246 worth of cosmos and margaritas is never a good idea the next morning. Always pay in cash. And remember, kids: unless you're a fan of weak drinks and slow service, tip your bartender.

Bursar. Say it with me now: Bur, like the seed; Sar, like the crazy Asian disease. Bursaring something works just like your Visa - you swipe your PennCard through a machine and like magic, the charge disappears and becomes your parents' problem. What's more, when the charges show up on your bill they aren't itemized, so it's basically like free money. Want that new iPod? "Bursar, please." Need money for birth control but don't want Mommy and Daddy to know? "Bursar, please." Can't live without season two of The Office on DVD? "Bursar, please."