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This Issue 11/08/2007

Also in this issue

• Recipe of the week
• Your guide to: Painless Hair Removal
• Street Wheel
• Disptaches
• Drop dead, Fred

To the girl in my creative writing class who wrote her personal essay about how hard it is to be beautiful: Would it help if I told you that you're not actually that pretty? and that your personality kinda sucks too? Feel better now? I do.

To the obnoxious Theta girls who used their Blackberrys to win Greek Week Academic Bowl: Thank God you guys won the Qdoba gift certificates cause you need all the food you can get.

To the girl on 4th floor Warwick who never flushes the toilet: That whole "let it mellow" wisdom definitely does not apply to dorm bathrooms. Take the two seconds necessary to push the little lever, and please God drink some water while you're at it, you dehydrated ass hat.

To TEP Senior: Please reenact sophomore year and get hit by a car so we can finally beat you in Quizzo.

Thanks, Team SDT.

To the DP: When your front page news includes "Hey guess what happened last year on Halloween?" and "How to Crank dat Soulja," it may be time to consider changing your name to "We'll let you know when there is real news, the crossword and sudoku are on page 14" Pennsylvanian. (PS: any thoughts about adding a word search?)

To all the girls that have put up their slutty Halloween pictures on Facebook: Thanks, I'll be typing with one hand this week.

To my drug dealer: You always cheat me, but I keep coming back. Does that make it love?

To the rhetorical question answerer in Engl 055: When you giggle I can't help but equate you with child molesters and people who drink Fanta and like it.

To my boyfriend's parents (who will read this since they are lame enough to get the DP every day): I have never met a more socially awkward, cold and unintelligent pair of adults in my life. If your darling son wasn't so good in bed, I would have dumped his ass months ago. Thanks for being assholes. PS - I keyed your car.

To my freshman stalker: Life isn't the same without your away messages. Please sign on to AIM, one more time. I need the comic relief.

To the guy I don't remember meeting: I didn't have my contacts in when you left this morning. Are you cute? Call me.

To the sophomore who imitated a certain French landmark during finals last spring: Don't think that this school forgot about that little stunt. Or that it EVER will.

To G Money: Your feet smell terrible. I'm going to stab you like that guy did if you don't buy some goddamn foot powder. I'm not kidding. I will kill your face.

To the Senior Class Gift Drive: Unless that gift is a naked hot tub party, you aren't getting a damn cent from me (08). PS- You stole your logo from the AIDS campaign, how does that feel?

To the girl who dressed up as boxed-wine for Halloween: I'll slap your bag all night long.

To my LinAlg Prof: I want my eight-dimensional column vector to be an element in your subspace.