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This Issue 12/06/2007

Also in this issue

• Your Guide to.getting into Harvard
• 1956: Mini brownies
• Fashionably... Late
• Defibrillator
• Lindsay Lohan Interview

The college application process is a convoluted and screwed up way to determine the four years of your collegiate life and, transitively, your entire future. Want to go someplace where people aren't constantly asking you if you're really at "Penn State" and not an Ivy League school? Look no further than Cambridge. We all know that New Haven is a slum and Princetonians are a bunch of martini-drinking pricks, but Harvard is the most pretentious place you can go without admitting how snotty you really are. Since application deadlines are coming up, we figured now is the perfect opportunity to let you in on all the admissions secrets! In case you don't know already, being smart doesn't make you special (no matter what your mom tells you) and being extra-involved won't do the trick. What'll really get you in? Play dirty and fight for it. Here are a few helpful tips from people who really got into Harvard and our friends at Collegeconfidential.com:

AP all the way: Take as many advanced classes as possible to boost your GPA. Retake the SAT until you get close to a perfect score or run out of test dates, whichever comes first.

Be a girl: The class of 2010 has a 52:48 admit ratio in favor of women. Yes, for all you boys that means an expensive and complicated process. No one said this was going to be easy.

Go to a Public School (Bitch): Only 36% of the accepted students from last year went to private or parochial schools, and chances are they were all legacy brats and athletes anyway. So suck it up, get on the big yellow bus and hang out with the rest of us for a few years before isolating yourself in that ivy-covered bubble of a private university.

If you can't be White, at least be Asian: They make up a whopping 21% of admitted students (to the Caucasian 57.5%). Name changes will suffice if actual family tree falsification proves impossible or clashes with your ethics. Just hit up your local Chinese restaurant and ask the take-out guy (or his sister) for his name and steal it as your very own.

If you can't be Asian, just pick something else: Seriously, they have an Undergraduate Minority Recruitment Program. That means that THEY are looking for YOU, not the other way around. The only time a white kid gets recruited like that for Harvard is when his parents buy a building or he dominates on the squash court.

Depth is often more important than breadth. Basically, it's more important to participate fully in a few fancy-name activities than half-ass a bunch. Be captain/president/editor-in-chief of your high school Philomathean Club or Stonecutter's Guild. Also, try to score some awards in your activity of choice, preferably ones that have "gold" or "first" or "national" in the title. Send a picture of your six-foot-tall debate trophy along with your application. Even if you didn't win, it shouldn't be too hard to find a trophy maker or steal some nerd's prize while he is stuffed inside his locker.