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This Issue 12/06/2007

Also in this issue

• Cultural Elite
• Hollywood's up-and-comers
• What a trip!
• Give Me 5s
• Too Late Shoutouts:
• Ego of the Week: Carson Daly

To the guy that bought all those screwdrivers at CVS: Whatcha gonna do with all those?

To Ben Franklin: Your idea of a secularized university is ludicrous. What are you, a heathen? Go fly a kite.

To the Class of 1908: Letting Jews in now? What's next? Women? Ha, that'll be the day!

To the newest of the planets: Pluto, you're the best!

To the West Philadelphia zoning commission: Why don't we put Club Wizzards under the new Chili's? It'll be a cool hang out spot for all the college kids!

To George Bush Sr.: Don't eat the sushi.

To cigarettes: Thanks for making me feel so skinny. I'll never stop smoking you no matter what.

To Pangaea: Keep it together!

To Britney Spears: You've really inspired me to wait until marriage, too!

To Bill: I really enjoyed meeting you at my interview today. Sincerely, Mon

To my 56K modem: You're faster than my girlfriend.

To pantaloons: You're so airy and fashion-forward.

To Dinosaurs: I'm coming for you. Love, Asteroid

To Operation Desert Storm: Thank God we've secured the peace in the Middle East.
To Pogs: You slammin'!

To the Camp David Accords: So glad that one is over.

To Kirk Cameron: So glad that one is over.

To Abel: Give me back my Birthright water bottle holder or I'll kill you! -Cain

To Jeni Sue and Thomashow: Thanks for contributing every week!!!!!!!

To Darwin: Whatchu talkin' bout? Love, Intelligent Design

To the closeted guy painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel: You're really hot, chisel my wall.

To Freud: Yo' mama so fat, her son wouldn't even do her!

To Brutus: BFFAEAEAE. You'd tell me if my toga made me look fat, right? Love ya, Caesar

To Moses: Cut your hair. Love, Mom

To Columbus: Thanks for coming.

To the Pilgrims: Why couldn't you have landed on me first?? -Chrysler Rock

To Michael Vick: Thanks for adopting me, WOOF WOOF!

To Kurt Cobain: Plaid isn't really that flattering.

To DDT: Thanks so much for killing all the insects on my lawn!

To Martin Luther: Fuck you!
To Roe: I had a great time last night and yes, I'm POSITIVE the condom didn't break. Love, Wade

To The Renaissance: Why you gotta be so positive? -The Dark Ages

To the Great Wall of China: I've seen bigger. Tehehe. -Ghengis Khan

To Eli Whitney: I don't get it, where does the gin come out?

To Carnie Wilson: You're fat.

To Ricki Lake: You're fatter.
To Oprah: You're so skinny!

To Bunim & Murray: 7 people. picked to live in a house. to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real? I'll tell you what happens: nothing. This show sucks.

To the guy who rode into my village on horseback last night: I'm only half British, but I'm definitely coming!
To rats: Thanks for the Plague. Really, who saw that one coming?

To Mao Zedong: Has anyone ever told you that red is really your color?

To Martin Luther King Jr.: Please take some Rozerem. We miss you. Love, Your Dreams