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This Issue 09/11/2008

Also in this issue

• Oh, The Places You Will Go!
• I Want My New TV!
• Ego of the Week

what you need...

BIRTHRIGHT ISRAEL

...is to just give me a chance. I know I'm not Jewish, and I'm okay with that. But that doesn't change the fact that I still really, really, REALLY want to go on a free trip. Israel would be great, but at this point I'll take anything. Birthright Chechnya? Sounds wonderful, I'll pack light. What do I have to do to prove that I'm just as deserving as all my non-practicing Jew friends? I can ride ATVs across the Negev and hang out in Bedouin tents just as well as the next.

Let me show you what I mean: the year is 2000, Amanda Littman has just called me up to light a candle at her Bat Mitzvah candlelighting ceremony. I do a fantastic job. Because that's what I always do when called into the service of my Jewish friends.

Let me bring you even further back - May 2, 1990, I've just turned four and it's my turn to bless the challah at the Terri Lynne Lokoff Early Learning Center, the Jewish preschool of my youth. Do I hesitate? Spill crumbs on the plastic blue mat beneath my feet? Dribble grape juice down my chin like an asshole? No, I don't. Because I know the stakes, and I know that one day my unwavering professionalism will be rewarded by the Jewish community.

So now, Taglit-Birthright, I'm coming to you not as a goy, but as a person. A person who really wants to ride a camel in the desert. Please, please can I get a free trip to Israel? What you need is to give me what I want. which is a free trip to Israel, if I haven't made that clear. L'chaim!