Overheard at Penn

Whartonite after class presentation: And that is how you suck a professor's dick.

Drunk dude: I can't remember anything about beer before wine, so I think I'm in the clear!

Girl on cell in Starbucks: Should I get my peppermint mocha with whipped cream or without? I only ate 200 calories today, so I want something delish.

Jewish student: Is Christmas the 24th or the 25th?

Pretentious Whartonite: Penn girls are all gold diggers, but I'm a diamond.

Dude to Street Editor: Am I going to make it into Shoutouts? I slept in the Quad on the first night of NSO!

Chick to friend: He kind of looks like a Ken doll... except that would mean he has no genitalia.

Aspiring Penn fashion designer: I’m so excited for my new collection! It’s going to be very dark, gothic and mack-uh-brey.
Friend: It’s macabre you dumbass.

Freshman talking about his mother blacklighting his bed: Do you know how much vaginal fluid my mom would find on my sheets?!

Drunk Girl: I love your accent. Where in England are you from?
Boy: I’m from South Jersey...

Girl sitting outside the library, smoking a cig: I couldn’t sleep last night; I’m having an existential this week.

Guy on Walnut: This fake beard really itches.
Girl: Well, at least your costume isn’t giving you diaper rash.

Theta sophomore in line at Denim: You're so not getting into Theta.
Tabard senior: Me? Good.

Whartonite outside Huntsman: Okay. There are only two important things to know about Penn: Get thin and get A's.

Houston salad maker #1: He said I could start working now because my background was clean.
Salad maker #2: That’s great!
Salad maker #1: Yeah — I guess they didn’t go back 10 years.

Girl wearing Uggs: My red Uggs are tight, but my brown Uggs are my go-to Uggs.

Slutty sorority chick: So I was doing my thing, giving him a handjob.
Chick’s friend: Wait, that’s your thing? Handjobs?
Chick: I dunno, I guess. What’s yours?
Friend: Probably like BJs or something.

Jappy girl in bookstore: Sansom is such a random street.

Little old lady, while watching a Penn student pull out of a parking spot: I hope that little Penn kid fucks up his fancy-ass car.

Sorority girl: So my roommate’s been having sex like three times a day.
Wharton bro: That’s got to be doing wonders for her post-coital cigarette habit.

Geek #1: Dude, my room’s like the G spot for brown girls at Penn.
Geek #2: Duuuude, that’s so pimp slammin’.

Hungover girl: I woke up, looked in the mirror and saw someone had written their number on my cheek. Who is Daniel?!

Wannabe Ego of the Week: I’ll have a copy of Street laying on the counter. Then I can turn to some hot chick and say, “Yeah, that’s me. I’m kind of a big deal.”
[Ed note: that’s what they all say.]

Sorority girl in nutrition class: I’m having a fat day, so I’m eating a salad. But I’ll probably eat the whole thing.

Freshman girl: “I heard it’s life in prison if you get caught with weed!”

Customer: “Do you serve coffee?”
Saladworks employee: “Yes. But not fancy coffee, just keep-you-alive coffee.”

Male student: “When I woke up, she was bigger than I remembered.”

Woman in CGS math class: “I took the problem home to my 12-year-old son, and homeboy got it right!”

Upperclassman: Just because I gave you a handjob on top of College Hall does not mean that I love you!

Random guy at bar: Get her pregnant! She goes to Penn, you’ll be set.

NSO kid #1: Girls are so lucky. As long as you have a smoking hot vagina, you will run this country.

Douche on Walnut: Freshman girls are like Slinkys. They're not fun until you throw them down the stairs.

In front of College Hall which was, at the time, surrounded by a tour group
10 year old, pointing at the (other) Ben Franklin statue:
Look! Are they doing the traditional peeing?

Metro Bakery:
Girl pointing at a Nantucket Nectar:
"This drink tastes like the inside of Anthropologie smells."

Girl at Saxby’s: Okay, time to Facebook stalk my mom.

Sorority girl outside Metro Bakery: Whatever. Getting black-out isn’t even that fun.

Girl in Rodin lobby: So, is it awkward having braces in college?

Freshman frat boy 1: Yeah, we’re filling Goose bottles with Vlad.
Freshman frat boy 2: Dude, we’re like Animal House with way too much money.

Girl at soda machine in Houston: It’s just so weird. I’m like, so thirsty. I haven’t been thirsty in like, forever.

Girl on Spruce: Whenever I buy Cosmo my mom says, "You better come home with an empty uterus tonight."

Girl in sorority house: If you ever need the Heimlich, BBM me!

Visiting Flinger: You’re from New Jersey and don’t know anyone who goes to Rutgers?
Penn student: I went to private school.

Girl: We got back to his room and he handed me a pill. I thought he wanted us to do Ecstasy. It was Viagra.

Freshman Girl 1: You do know that there are lots of STDs at Penn, right?
Freshman Girl 2: Seriously? Man, I was planning on being such a slut during Fling!
Freshman Girl 1: You are so lucky Juicy Campus is gone.

In a Steinberg-Dietrich bathroom:
Girl on cell phone: It’s just not a good day for herpes.

On 38th and Walnut:
Guy in Drexel sweatshirt: Okay, if you guys want to talk to me about these things, take your vocabulary and divide it by three-fourths.
[Editor’s Note: FYI, dividing something by 3/4 would increase the size. Remember Intro to Algebra?]

Frat guy consoling other frat guy: Shit, fucking vag hair is always greener on the other side.

Girl 1: The love of my life just walked out of the party.
Girl 2: But he’s not Jewish, remember?
Girl 1: Ugh, I would live in sin for that one.

At Van Pelt:
Girl: Okay, study time over. I have to go play Mario Party.
Guy: That’s what’s up.

Walking on campus:
Girl on her cell phone: “It’s cold as hell here... assuming hell is cold.”

Outside the Quad:
Freshman 1: Where is that Smokey Pete’s place?
Freshman 2: It’s called Smokey John’s, you idiot.

Chick in admissions office: “I don’t know where the Lower East side is. It’s not on Gossip Girl.”

Girls walking back from rush on Walnut: “It was like back in high school when everyone thought cereal had no calories.”

Late night at McDonald's:
Drunk Guy: “Anyone here from New York?”
Drunk Girl: “I’m from New York!”
Guy: “Sweeeet... represent, where?”
Girl: “Albany!”

At Beige Block apartment:
Girl: “But come on, her parents must know she’s a hipster.”