How to Detox from Spring Break
Step 1: Water. Drink it. When you think you've had enough, you haven't.
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Step 1: Water. Drink it. When you think you've had enough, you haven't.
For reference, here are the 2015 submissions.
This way, you can just say you’re really school spirited and were looking forward to going to all of Penn’s great sporting events this spring. Those exist, right? Go sportyball team.
With the monsoon–like rain, Highbrow hopes your week has gone swimmingly. Just kidding, we’re drowning in midterms too. It’s a good thing we have all your gossip to keep us afloat. Keep your floaties on, kids—just because you’re holding out for spring break doesn’t mean things won’t get a lil stormy on campus.
Every year the UPenn V–Day Campaign hosts a representative from the popular New York City sex shop, Babeland (word has it Beyoncé and Jay–Z shop there). The Babeland ambassador dishes out sex–positive, female–friendly advice for getting it on. This year, we at Street sent three reporters to learn about G–spots, frenulums and everything in between, because fuck binaries.
Van Pelt Basement: You’re a Rosenparty regular. You enjoy SABSing and whisper–shouting across tables. You procrastinate by saying hi to all of your acquaintances and contemplating whether to acknowledge last semester's hookup. You tolerate the smell of gross carpet and you bursar the bad coffee and stale donuts at Mark's Café where the quasi–baristas recognize you. You even might be one of these people.
Glaringly douchey frat bro on Locust: I have got to stop being so nice. Ya know, to girls that aren't hot and stuff.
The University of Pennsylvania Department of Biology recently released an academic paper stating that the ratio of the snow people is unfavorably skewed toward males. Conservationists are deeply concerned about the future of the snow people, as females become increasingly rare. “If too many males occur in the wild, most of them will melt before they find mates,” said the chair of the Biology Department. He went on. “This is a huge problem for snow preservation."
Look stylish while fending off Mother Nature’s icy wrath! This new coat catches on fire when temperatures dip below 45 degrees. The best part? It costs only $9,999.99 (plus tax)!
No matter how old you get, there will always be something supremely uncomfortable about buying condoms. In order to get you out of your Trojan rut, we decided to put a new brand to the test: ONE condoms. ONE seeks to make safe sex more fun through "advanced designs and technology" such as different flavors, textures and special effects (doesn't everyone want their penis to glow in the dark?!). We distributed six different types of condoms to our loyal testers to see if any of these are worth ditching the blue Trojans you steal from Student Health.
This is either a highly dangerous fungus that is fatal to the touch, or you are wearing tinted sunglasses/goggles. If you take them off and the snow is still orange then you’re either at risk for death or your eyes haven’t adjusted yet.
The best time for a blizzard comes right after you made a huge frogro run, just started a new series on Netflix and realized that have a midterm you haven’t studied for at all. As soon as you get home, let the heavens divide and rain down snowballs. This way, class will be canceled, your midterm will be postponed and you'll have enough food to last through the first four seasons of Grey’s Anatomy. As our dear old Frank Sinatra once sang, let it snow let it snow, let it snow.
Cue the candy, balloons and strip teases: Big–Little weeks are upon us. While the girls get showered with gifts and lin love, freshmen boys are busy reading 50 Shades bedtime stories and making package deliveries (wink, wink) all over campus. It’s hard to imagine anything more humiliating than rubbing your genitals up on some random, red–faced freshman girl in front of her whole sorority, but being in the Round Up comes pretty close.
Jobless Junior: I stress bought a rotisserie chicken.
Honestly not as weird as we hoped they'd be.
1. Blarney. Just hit up your football hookup from freshman year, and you’ll be good. This is solvable.
According to a poll conducted after the Super Bowl, almost three quarters of Penn students think that Beyoncé is “just okay,” but are afraid to share their opinion with the public. One college junior who wished to remain anonymous said, “I don’t know what will happen to me if people find out I don’t like Beyoncé. It's like coming out of the closet, but worse, because it’s admitting that I don’t like Beyoncé.”
Yep, it’s true! Before the likes of Green Day and Linkin Park came along, Nirvana broke ground for the thousands of musically–inclined raw foodies. Inspiring.
Your significant other tells you his/her favorite song is Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones, how do you react?
Preferably one that you already know how to play, but if you haven’t shown any talent in the musical area of life, then we suggest the cowbell. It has a great sound to it, it’s shiny and it’s Will Ferrell endorsed—what more can you ask for?
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