Every year we’re stunned by Penn students’ sheer inability to submit funny shoutouts. Since you never learn, we’re making an example of some particularly heinous submissions. We’re not laughing with you, we’re laughing at you.
America, you and I have had a rocky relationship.
I have idealized you for my entire life. I was always told, ever since I was little, that you were the land of hope, the land of freedom and justice and endless possibility.