To City Step: How can y’all be so ratchet and still be allowed to work with small children?

To all of SAE: So how many of you have hooked up with each other?

To the homeless man outside CVS: I’m not going to spare some change for you if you keep calling me big guy.... I’m a girl.

To the cruel, cruel lady who makes salads at Houston: You’re the meanest lady in the world. Your salads taste like defeat.

To the senior in Phi Delt who couldn’t locate my clitoris: I’ll draw you a map next time.

To Tabard: We miss the lunchboxes.

To the dental student who’s slept with both me and my best friend: We’ve talked about your penis. In depth. Fill our cavities together?

To the guy who ripped my friend’s asshole: It doesn’t mean you’re strong, just that you don’t know what you’re doing.

To the hipster who works at Williams Cafe: Oh wait, which one am I talking about again?

To 34th Street Magazine: When will you stop bullying me? (Ed. note: bullying is wrong.)

To the freshman girl who ratted out Theta: We know who you are and your Instagram sucks.

To delivery guys who call to say they’re outside when they’re two blocks away: I wish I could untip you at my door.

To the pre–frosh who already rented an off–campus room to turn into a closet: Welcome to Theta, betch.

To my Class Board DFMO: I didn’t vote for you.

To Barney: You’re the only reason we talk to the brothers.

To that boy in Owls: You’re from Indianapolis, not Dubai.

To the Freshman football player with great tits: How do you do it?

To St. A’s guy who kept telling me he was in the one percent: My rolex is more expensive than yours.

To 24th floor Rodin: That was us shining the laser pointer in your room to freak you out. Love, 24th floor Harrison.

To my friend’s boyfriend with a “turtleneck”: I wonder if you  will come home from Birthright a changed man.

To Mister Softee: You’re the only man who makes me scream.

To the queen of FOMO: All of our friends are writing this together and laughing about it. Where are you?

To that new bearded Sphinge: How about you take the lead with my student body?

To the 6 foot stork in Elmos. I'll give you a baby to carry somewhere.

To the UA: HAHAHAHHA!!!! Fuck you all forever.

To the one they call needledick: Come play in my haystack.

To 34th street fling tanks: I raised my hand but it didn’t seem like you guys cared.

To my overly friendly pre–major advisor: Please don’t Penn InTouch me.

To the Fiji who slept with my friend and yelled at her for bloodying the sheets: You know that wasn’t her period right?

To the PennCard swiper at Pottruck: Could you at least pretend you recognize me so I feel like I go the gym a lot?

To the AXO Almond Butter Thief: Plz just take my peanut butter, for once I’m begging you.

To Iron Gate Theater: You black out more than my freshman roommate.

To the gentlemen of SAE: Who let Ernest Owens design your fling tank? (Ed. note: No one. It was our lowbrow editor.)

To Street: Will you please print one of my fucking shoutouts already? You’ve denied me seven semesters in a row and this is your last chance to validate my social relevance.

To the Theos guy who claimed he thought Alpha Phi was an “academic sorority”: Stop lying and get over yourself.

To Kappa Sig: if you’re trying to improve your reputation, playing corn hole for six straight hours on Locust isn’t helping.

To infinity: and beyond.

To the APES guy who never closes his blinds: what, is it always cold in there?

To the baseball player who tried to finger a girl on the dance floor: looks like you got caught stealing third.

To Maureen Rush: Thanks for never being in a rush when sending out Penn Alerts.

To 34st: thanks for making my social life feel more shitty than it already is. From, the loser sitting alone in the couch eating a whole block of cheese.

To my roommate who pooped herself in the middle of our room: I waited until senior year before telling anyone. It’s senior year. I told.

To the Penn basketball team: Why don’t you learn how to steal things on the court.

To that one misplaced brick on Locust Walk that always trips me: I HATE you. But goddammit I respect you.

To everyone: How long have you been teeing up that #tbt?

To Mickey D’s: Thanks for satisfying my late night cravings more than any other D I’ve found at Penn.

To the self–proclaimed “Theos groupie” in my sorority: No, the girl with two brothers in Theos does not need help getting in touch with them to find her lost bracelet. But thanks for letting us know via sorority list–serve that you have the numbers of boys in Theos.

To the lesbians at Penn: Where the fuck are you? (Ed. note: see our feature from 9/12/13)

To Ina Garten: Did you eat your husband, or is he just off the show this season?

To the APES guy who finished in thirty seconds: I didn’t even realize I was giving you a hand job.

To the Penn nurses: A two–year associates degree will get you the same job. but keep talking about those clinicals like they mean something.

To the smoke stack in front of the LOVE statue: I HATE you.

To the girl who sits in the front row of lecture with a close up of her boyfriend’s face as her laptop background: No.

To (adjective) (noun): You are (adjective), (conjunction) you (verb) (adverb) (noun).

Ben and Jerry’s: Why are you the only BJs I’m getting?

To my formal date: Why don’t you exist.

To the people kicking me out of my GSR: Do you ‘think’ you have this room right now or do you have it? Own the appropriation.

To this winter: What the fuck?

To SABS–ing: You are the only thing I get dressed up for.

To my lin that keeps hooking up with my ex’s: I get it. I have good taste. Now stop.

To the person with the GPA 400 license plate: FRNDS 000?

To the ginger clique in Tridelt. We get it. You’re gingers.

To Theta PC ‘14: Are you initiated yet?

To the guy sitting next to me in Van Pelt: Please stop blasting “Titanium.” Fling happened two weeks ago. Guett over it.

To Penn Holi: Do less (appropriating of religious festivals.)

To the asshole in Mortar Board: you’re an asshole. (Ed note: which one?)

To anyone: Whose dick do I have to suck to get some dicks to suck around here?

To all the kids who try to name drop the 2017 Class Board prez at the door of ZBT parties: He refused our bid. you don’t get to come in.

To AirPennNet: I do NOT pay $50,000 a year to have internet that won’t load my episode of “Game of Thrones.”

To everyone singing “Let It Go”: You can shut the fuck up now.

To theostheostheos: Stopstopstop.

To the Phi Delt junior who said “I’m so drunk” fifty times whilst trying to get it on: these words are, surprisingly, not an aphrodisiac.

To Guetta: Stop hiring Obamacare's IT team to set up your shows.

To the girl in my pledge class who uses baby talk on a regular basis: Nobody wuvs you. Sowwy.

To the freshman who came in my eye: I know my Grindr said I was two inches taller, but SERIOUSLY!?

To the kid who emailed the entire Spanish class on canvas to pregame class for Fling: Hace menos.

To the guy I always blow who never returns the favor: I may suck you off but YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING SUCK.

To the homeless of VP: SERIOUSLY how do you all get in there (and stay there)?????

To the football player that didn’t pull out: I hope you’re pro–choice.

To the senior who is still dating the girl who he had a threesome with freshman year: WOMP, WOMP, WOMP!

To the closeted gay guy in St. A’s: Posting a torso shot on Grindr with your frat letters and crest in the background doesn’t make you “discreet.”

To the Penn Quidditch Team: You know people can see you, right?

To SK: Say “Sigma Klassy” one more time and I will choke you with your klassy pearls.

To the freshman who looks like a miniature Amy Gutmann: You’re our desktop background.

Theta Xi: do less. (Ed. note: is that even possible?) 

To the Wishbone worker I hooked up with: Is it prostitution if I get paid in chicken?

To the Middle Door of Smokes: I used to be the one they reached for in times of need. From: The Lonely Old Door.

 

To the person posting Game of Thrones spoilers on Collegiate ACB: fuck you for using Collegiate ACB.

To the chicken shortage at Chipotle: I didn't eat for days. Are you TRYing to kill me?

To APES: Finish evolving.