7:15 p.m.: Enter into tiny art gallery. We help ourselves to some English Breakfast tea.
7:32 p.m.: There are 20 people in the audience, only two spots left. No choice but front and center.
7:33 p.m.: Shit. We’re committed.
7:35 p.m.: We’re definitely the youngest here.
7:36 p.m.: Program includes a $50 off coupon for “Orgasmic Meditation (OM) Workshop.” What did we sign up for?
7:37 p.m.: Pull out pens to keep tally of people who came just to say they came. Looks like it’s just us.
7:39 p.m.: Six middle–aged people, dressed for their high school prom, take a seat on stage.
7:40 p.m.: One of the per- formers is a small, middle–aged blonde woman with a shrill voice. She won’t stop shivering in her seat. Her anxiety is giving me anxiety.
7:42 p.m.: Act I: Desire begins
7:43 p.m.: First man begins to vent explicit sexual frustrations.
7:46 p.m.: He’s yelling about pussy now.
7:53 p.m.: I think we’re supposed to be turned on?
7:54 p.m.: Women on stage begin to moan.
7:57 p.m.: Act II: OM
7:58 p.m.: Woman in violet prom dress opens with scene: Synchrony. Expresses her need to synchronize her body with another man’s penis.
8:00 p.m.: Proceeds to moan. 8:02 p.m.: Still moaning. Louder.
8:08 p.m.: Draws a chorus of moans from the back. They’re having it. We’re not.
8:12 p.m.: Act III: Beast
8:21 p.m.: Two scenes in and figured it out. Beast = penis.
8:22 p.m.: Trying to sit as still as possible. Can they detect our discomfort through our complete avoidance of eye contact?
8:23 p.m.: Small shivering blonde—the only one as nervous and out of place as us— quivers as she goes into explicit detail of her vagina.
8:24 p.m.: Her Ann Taylor sweater and thick–rimmed glasses present an interesting juxtaposition with her frank discussion of her “quivering clitoris”.
8:25 p.m.: Homegirl in the violet prom dress is still moaning.
8:27 p.m.: Act IV: Connection
8:27:30 p.m.: More like lack thereof.
8:31 p.m.: Attempt to get into this foiled by eye contact with old man.
8:34 p.m.: Direct quote: “Perfect matches: Romeo and Juliet, peanut butter and jelly, my mouth and your pussy.”
8:35 p.m.: Wait, what?
8:42 p.m.: Performers take a bow, for the well–deserved round of applause.
8:45 p.m.: Host offers to stay back and answer questions about upcoming Orgasm Meditation Workshops in the Philadelphia area. We bolt out the door.
8:45:02 p.m.: Young hipster couple sitting next to us follow suit.
Conclusion:
We’re never having sex again.
