Nicholas Sparks movies are predictable, textbook examples of tearjerkers. They thrive on genre tropes aimed at making us cry. And as an audience, we understand that and accept it. But Sparks’ most recent release, “The Best of Me,” is, frankly, an insult to fans of the genre.

The movie tells the tale of two former lovers (both Texas–born and bred), 21 years after their mysterious break up, coming together to settle the estate of an old guy they both cared for deeply who has just passed on. Current Amanda (played by Michelle Monaghan) and Current Dawson (played by James Marsden), from the very first scene, are clearly not over each other. But Current Amanda is married with a son and a jackass husband, so rekindling her romance with Dawson would be inappropriate.

Shockingly enough, the two find their way back into the missionary position, after a few reminiscences to the good old days that are delivered to the audience in lengthy flashbacks.

The flashbacks take place in the 1992–93 school year and feature a Young Amanda (played by a fresh–faced Liana Liberato) and a Young Dawson (played by Luke Bracey, possible lovechild of Heath Ledger and Taylor Kitsch) falling in love for the first time.

He’s a tragically misunderstood backwoods boy who just wants to get an education, despite his rotten drug–peddling, abusive white trash father and brothers. She’s a southern gem, with a lilting accent and aspirations to be a lawyer who helps children internationally. He’s got bodily scars because he’s been through stuff. She’s got an abundance of backless sundresses because she’s just too freakin’ adorable.

They kiss in the rain and lose their virginities (presumably) in some bayou cabin in Texas. Young Amanda helps Young Dawson apply to college, but alas Young Dawson’s asshole father is pissed at Young Dawson for running away to live with that old guy who just died in the present (unnecessarily confusing? absolutely). Old Guy kindly took Young Dawson in, presumably because he misses his dead wife and craves companionship. Whatever, it’s really not that important.

Anyway, dramatic problems ensue surrounding White Trash Dad and the youths break up. Fast forward to today, and more drama arises after Current Amanda and Current Dawson have their little sexfest reunion. Current Amanda has some family issues, Current Dawson (still) has some family issues and everything basically goes to shit.

Beyond the fact that the actual plot lines (in both time periods) are painfully contrived and wholly absurd, neither set of actors, Current or Young, has much chemistry going on. You’re just expected to believe they belong together because this is a Nicholas Sparks movie. A few unnecessarily violent turns later, you’re left with an unsatisfying ending and an even more unsatisfying piece of cinema. The characters aren’t all that happy, and neither are you.

Sorry, Dawson and Amanda, but Allie and Noah did the tragic–Southern–love–story thing better. Way better.

“The Best of Me” by the numbers:

# of times the old guy reminisces about his love for his dead wife: 

Ugh, too many. Get over it, dude.

# of minutes Young Dawson inexplicably has his shirt off: 

7

# of times 1992 Amanda is dressed like it is 2014: 

However many scenes she was in

# of times Dawson is seen reading a book to show he is smart: 

2

# of characters who “tragically” died so the movie could reach its painfully contrived ending: 

3

# of characters you could easily guess were gonna die: 

Also 3

# of times I laughed at inappropriate, supposed–to–be–sad times: 

4

# of times I wished I were watching “The Notebook”: 

117, for every minute of the movie.

Check out the trailer below: