I have been a loyal viewer of your network since I started stealing cable from my neighbors some fifteen years ago. But I am writing today to inform you that I am shocked and appalled by the filth that you are now projecting into our homes. It’s all the wrong filth! If you do not start showing the kind of nudity and violence that I want, I regret to say that I will be encouraging the elderly couple next door to cancel their subscription.
I have five vital changes to suggest:
1. Your use of camera angles in sex scenes leaves the viewer feeling cold and frustrated. "Game of Thrones" in particular would benefit from more point-of-view shots. I encourage the producers to seek inspiration in the wide variety of pornographic material available on the World Wide Web.
2. The frequency of shootings and beheadings in your programs is frankly embarrassing. There are other ways to die, you know. Why not include more disembowlings or self-immolations? Variety is the spice of death!
3. I absolutely insist that Lena Dunham appear nude more often on "Girls." What sort of prudes are you, to make such a beautiful creature hide her body from the world?
4. There are no words to express my disgust with the historical inaccuracies on "Boardwalk Empire." Either hire a historian, or get out of the television business. Some of us want to watch programs that are entertaining and informative.
5. More cock.
I implore you to make these changes at once, for the sake of your viewers — no, for the sake of Western civilization.
Yours sincerely,
Ted Cruz
