I squatted in a New York City closet for a summer. At first, I lived there rightfully. My brother was already living in the Harlem basement apartment with two teachers, a drug dealer and an “entrepreneur,” and he allowed me to sleep there, rent free, if I agreed to do his laundry and cook his meals. The steamy two foot by six foot hole was suffocating, but I felt just enough like Harry Potter to stay happy.
But the roommate dynamic quickly fell apart—much like the rotting kitchen shelves and cracked bathroom tiles.
George flooded the bathroom and left the shitwater stewing for days. Jack started dealing harder goods to seedier characters. Joe mysteriously left for Africa and took everyone’s rent deposits with him. Hugo ate my brother’s leftover Thai food—and my brother really likes his Thai food. My brother moved out, and one by one, each roommate moved out too.
But I just, well, stayed.
There is an art to being a squatter in New York City. Five new roommates moved into the five rooms, but I held claim to my beloved, claustrophobic closet. To delay my imminent eviction, I devised a set of strategies.
1) Use verbose, confusing answers when describing your departure date. Promise this confidently. Roommate: “Seriously dude, when are you leaving our home?” Suzette: “After the second departure of the rental case leasing agreement of the tenants’ landlord’s verbal contract. I promise. Truly.”
2) Leave subtle reminders of your presence to assert your dominance. Roommate: “Who washed a Frisbee in the dishwasher?!” Suzette: “Me. I did. Because I live here. In this apartment. Where I live.”
3) Create small problems and fix them to seem like an asset. Roommate: “Yo, the WiFi isn’t working” Suzette: “Oh! I can fix this! I am very useful and tech savvy!” Roommate: “It says that you just changed the password...” Suzette: “That means I’m really the only one who can fix it.”
4) Remind your roommates that you have a key. Emphasize that you will always be able to get into their home. Roommate: “Hey, how’s it going?” Suzette: “I have a key and will always be able to get into your home.”
5) Do nice things for your roommates when you suspect eviction is imminent. Roommate: “We seriously need to discuss you not even paying utilit—” Suzette: “How about after we eat all these cookies I baked!”
Fortunately, I avoided eviction until I was set to return to Penn. I thanked my roommates/victims, boxed up my belongings, and bused back to campus. I didn’t return the key though—New York City Summer 2015, here I come.
