(Photo Source: Sophia Lee)
An ever–increasing population of students is coming out of the woodwork each day proclaiming their support for the fight against the fight against global warming, citing the strangely warm winter as their inspiration for their change of heart. After decades of college students throughout America professing their supposed undying backing of global warming prevention efforts, one has to question the legitimacy of such a change. According to these students, their allegiance to global warming will not waver.
Nigel Pilkington (Wharton ‘17), perhaps the most fervent global warming supporter on campus, is adamant that the movement is legitimate: “Yeah, global warming is bad for the environment and stuff, but how awesome is being able to wear shorts in December? I think we can spare a few polar bears for that. I’ll just let my grandkids deal with the consequences.”
Some unexpected parties are hopping on the bandwagon, such as the Democratic one. Four–year Penn Democrats member Timmy Wilkins (College ‘16) is facing some criticism from fellow Dems as a result of his new stance. “Global warming is blown out of proportion anyway. All these politicians are just pandering to the snowman demographic,” Wilkins explained. “How the fuck will buying a Prius and recycling my beer cans make the world any safer? America will only be made great again if we get to the point where it’s summer year–round. Recycling bins are undemocratic, anyway."
Ever–proactive, these controversial students are already doing all that they can to ensure that the weather remains as warm as possible. Many of them are sneaking into Huntsman at night and printing thousands of sheets of paper, while others are making it a habit to take two–hour long showers before class in the morning. A small group of students are even protesting to rebrand the environmentally friendly HipCityVeg into HipCityPork, an eatery that would solely serve meat products, as well as sweet potato fries.
Of course, many are still very much opposed to the pro-global warming crowd. However, they were too busy tanning and enjoying a leisurely game of ultimate frisbee on College Green to be reached for comment.