Lonely on Valentine’s Day this year? We’re happy to tell you that you’re not alone. With these helpful Tinder tips you’ll find a Netflix & Chiller–in–crime in no time.

Adopt a cool, confident moniker

One of the only things your potential matches (and hopefully mates) can see is your name. Use this to your advantage by making your name something that screams confidence and spunk, such as “Fetus Punisher” or “LordofDarkness666.”


Don’t use pictures of yourself

Using actual pictures of yourself is a great way to expose yourself to the many predators that lurk about in this uncertain world. Instead, search “Happy Guy/Gal” in Google Images and use some of those pictures.


Follow the formula for the “About You” section

List in this order: Your favorite type of poultry, any war of your choice that took place during the 19th century and your least favorite quality about your dad. Be sure to sprinkle some question marks throughout to convey your mysterious aura. Your number of matches will soar immediately!

Make your first message memorable

Congrats, you’ve followed the previous steps and already have some matches! But you’ve only just begun. You want to wow your new match without sounding too desperate, so gauge for potential shared interests and get that chemistry going right away by asking, “What’s your favorite form of birth control?”

Use this pickup line at least once

“I’m no frog, but I’d like to lick your flies.”


Preface your messages with TBT

We know you’ve already been doing this, but we wanted to make sure you do it for all of your messages, not just the majority.

Brag about how your AIM screen name had no numbers in it

They won’t believe you, but it’s true!


Seal the deal

At this point, you're really hitting it off with your soon–to–be Valentine and you have just one final step: the clincher. Ask your match if they want to come over to your place later for shellfish and gorgonzola. If they don't respond, just copy and paste the same message in all caps to your other three matches, and you'll be golden. You've got a magical night ahead of you.