34th Street Magazine

Highbrow's Guide to Hogwarts Houses

(12/01/16 9:34am)

While the Sorting Hat has final say, Highbrow’s got a few tricks up our cloak sleeves to make sure you Slytherin to the right house.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/highbrows-guide-to-hogwarts-houses

Shoutouts Fall 2016

(12/01/16 10:36am)

To the chair of Mask & Wig: I'd like to sit on that.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/you-know-make-me-wanna-shout-shoutouts-2016

So, you shamelessly love Harry Potter. Or maybe you want to get with someone who shamelessly loves Harry Potter. Or you've got excess storage on your phone that you want to fill up with some Harry Potter apps. Either way, no judgement—Street is here to give you a quick roundup of apps and websites for Potter obsessives or beginners.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/hp-tech-roundup

How I Met Your Muggle Mother

(12/01/16 9:27am)

"Well kids, it all started when we were 11 and she equated dying with expul- sion. From then, I knew I was hooked."

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/how-i-met-your-muggle-mother

My Wild Wizard One Night Stand

(12/01/16 8:50am)

I received a lot of unsolicited dating advice before going abroad in London.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/fan-fiction-one-magic-night

A Harry Potter Guide to Houseplants

(12/01/16 9:58am)

Personality: You’re a Hufflepuff: hot, tall, bothered. You’re fun to be around (you swear!), but due to your eccentricities, you've driven away every roommate ever assigned to you. You’re addicted to Butterbeer, extra large scarves and playing coy.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/harrypotter-houseplants

It’s 2016, So Who’s YOUR Version of He Who Shall Not Be Named?

(12/01/16 8:56am)

Donald Trump

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/he-who-shall-not-be-named

How Getting a Nose Job Allowed Me to Finally Recognize My Worth as a (sort of) Human Being

(12/01/16 9:33am)

Everyone says to be happy with the skin you're born in… or the skin you split your soul in to become immortal. But not everyone has that luxury. It took me a while to be comfortable with who I am. It wasn’t until Dr. Goldfarb entered my life that I found my true outer and inner beauty. Here’s my story. I hope you’ll listen.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/wizarding-world-of-deviated-septums

Drugs to Do Before Entering the Room of Requirement

(12/01/16 8:42am)

In the midst of College Hall’s dozens of tall tales and mysteries, the Room of Requirement sits quietly on the 7th Floor. Most Penn students don't know about this space—the room only appears when its user is really in desperate need of something. While those who know about the room only use it for exams, social issues and other quandaries, Street thinks that we should be able to have a little bit of fun with this useful room—and there’s no way to make things better than with drugs. Check out these top drug experiences to have in the Room of Requirement.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/muggles-and-druggles

Superfood Update: Cockroach Clusters

(12/01/16 9:20am)

Cockroaches are the new quinoa. Looking for a superfood that'll revamp your body and help keep your room clean? You're in luck—cockroach clusters are the hottest superfood trending on campus right now.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/cockroaches-are-the-new-quinoa

7 Ways to Cover up an Unsightly Forehead Scar

(12/01/16 8:27am)

Whether you were injured in a freak accident during Dueling Club, got slammed in the face with a Bludger or absorbed an insane amount of dark magic as an infant as the result of a failed Killing Curse, life with an unsightly forehead scar is never easy. If you’ve already been to St. Mungo’s to get that checked out for a potential case of Horcrux, proceed as follows.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/hide-your-scars

Overheards 12.01.16

(12/01/16 9:36am)

Wannabe–headless Nick: You would think, wouldn’t you, that getting hit 45 times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on… Most people would think that’s good and beheaded.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/overheards-12-01-16

Dating Advice from the Head on the Back of Your Other Head

(12/01/16 9:33am)

The following article was found in the late Professor Quirrel’s desk. It is believed that he planned to submit it to the May 1999 issue of the notable wizarding periodical, DADAD (Defense Against the Dark Arts Digest).

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/double-header-go-getter

Wharton Junior Discovers He Has Become a Dementor

(12/01/16 9:43am)

Junior Sam Lestrange had a rude awakening during On–Campus Recruiting this semester. He noticed some “distinctive” components of the interviews that he had not prepared for.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/wharton-junior-becomes-dementor

College Junior Abducts Weasley, Muggle–Splains the Internet

(12/01/16 8:17am)

Clarissa Hufflebum (C '18) was finishing up her fall semester abroad at King's College London when she came to an earth–shattering realization: "Guys, wizards are real."

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/college-junior-muggle-splains-internet

10 Scarves to Hide Your Second Face

(12/01/16 9:00am)

So, you went on a trip abroad after graduation to celebrate seven grueling years at one of the most poorly regulated schools in wizarding history. You may have gone to the ruins of Atlantis or visited a remote monastery in Tibet. Maybe you hiked in an isolated forest in Albania. Nonetheless, you came back as the host to a dark wizard’s wandering soul, with a second face on the back of your head.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/10-scarves-to-hide-your-second-face

Interview with Exchange Student from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

(12/01/16 8:51am)

Street: Why did you decide to study at Penn?

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/12/interview-with-a-witch

The Round–Up: 11.17.16

(11/17/16 8:34am)

It’s been a long week. We elected a tangerine for President, the bees are still dying at an alarming rate and apparently the real story of Thanksgiving is actually kind of sad because the Pilgrims and Native Americans never actually had a turkey dinner together, what the fuck. Don’t worry, though. We’ve got a piping hot serving of gossip to tide you over until your own needless turkey murder day Thanksgiving.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/11/the-round-up-11-17-16

Senior Superlatives

(11/17/16 7:54am)

Most Likely to Fix American Politics: Max Levy

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/11/senior-superlatives-2016

Round Up 11.10.16

(11/12/16 6:27pm)

The need for hot goss may have been Trumped by our reflections issue last week, but Highbrow's back with the Roundup to share some Hillaryous stories that you just couldn't miss out on.

https://www.34st.com/article/2016/11/round-up-11-10-16

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