State of the Union: Fall '16
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Bust in and cut the whole line because you’re the only person there who has class in five minutes.
Students at the University of Pennsylvania have been a–buzzing about the sudden drop in climate. Though NSO commenced with a high of 90 degrees, and the first week of classes brought a heat wave or two, recent temperatures have been getting cozy around the high sixties and low seventies. Though the easily–sweaty are thrilled with this thermal reduction, there is one group on campus that is severely concerned with global cooling and the recent drop: Penn fraternities.
Ah, the fall. The leaves are falling, the days are getting shorter and all your friends are wearing suits and concerned about their “futures.” If you also want to descend into a spiral of self–doubt, anxiety and stress, then OCRing might be for you! Take this quiz to find out!
Pro: Getting to say things like “I live in the nipple.”
For some Penn students, junior year means one thing: the institutionalized torture that is on–campus recruiting. For other Penn students, it just doesn't. So Street decided to send three people—Drunk, High and Sober—to check it out. Here are our observations.
What you really mean: Learned to stop hissing when people approached you asking where the bathroom was, who you were and why the company had hired a cat to intern.
MODULE 1: STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES
Just yesterday, Student Health Services released new data revealing the spike in visits during On Campus Recruitment, Penn’s premiere occupational frenzy for the cold–blooded vampires of West Philadelphia. It’s no surprise that the intense level of stress leads to an epidemic of flu–like disgustingness, yet researchers have managed to find something that does shock Knowitalls (Latin term for Penn students). In a recent study funded by literally every school at Penn except Wharton, OCR has been found to cause birth defects even years after leaving the University of Pennsylvania.
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Elitist Settler: And so all of my Aunts are from Idaho and that’s just, like, not one of the 13 colonies, you know?
Penn might have recently been named one of the top schools in America for academics again, but we all know we’ve fallen from our most notable ranking as Playboy’s number one party school in 2014––and it’s probably because of weekends like this. While there was a lack of putting the “extra” in “extracurriculars” this time around, Highbrow’s never one to leave you high and dry.
The music is bumping, the Banker's is flowing and you’re feeling yourself. Although you’re clawing at a blackout, you’re still “functioning” enough to get in that final DFMO. Un- like DFMOs of the past where you were chatting up your intended hookup all night, this is a one–grind–and–go type deal. It’s like the part of gymnastics where they say, “Just the dismount left,” and all you have to do is stick the landing. So you Simone Biles that shit and stick it. But then the party ends and you realize you’re just a Penn kid that made a drunk mistake; one that you’ll have to live with forever. Highbrow’s here with how to cope.
A "Brooke": We can't have too many 'Brookes' in this sorority. We can't have too many girls named Brooke because it would take away the uniqueness of THE Brooke.
OCRing Student: Are you conducting the coffee chats from Bain? I was told to look for a hissing red creature with a pitchfork.
Pokémon Blow: Open a map on your phone and see where all that white magic is hiding. Fuck, there’s a line outside Castle again.
This is an easy way to stay relevant by terrorizing freshman girls long after you graduate. You already signed up for econ so there can’t be much soul left in you, right?
EAT BREAKFAST. Then pregame whatever pregame your resume–boosting club or Greek community is hosting with WATER. It might not have the same hype factor as a Red Bull vodka, but it will probably also not result in wanting to dismember anyone who speaks above a whisper in a few hours.
Street loves freshmen! So much that we captioned the profile pics of our favorite members of the Penn 2020 Facebook group.
Girl in Geology #1: How was your summer?
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