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Hurry. The fuck. Up. Can’t you tell by my giant coffee and headphones that I am late for something? To all you slow walkers on Locust, this is an unequivocal callout on your bullshit. Stop photographing the foliage—it’s red, big fucking deal. Get off your phone. And for the love of all that is holy, stop with the 30 second meet–and–greets; nobody is really that excited to see you. Cut the shit.
Early in the evening on a Thursday night, you observe a pair of people walking together down Locust. Both are dressed up semi–formal, somewhere between going to Grandma’s and flying out for a Superday. Their demeanor and gait are confusing: are they drunk, nervous, or even both? To the untrained eye, it's hard to tell. Here are some surefire ways to tell if your peers are going to a networking event or heading out to a date night.
Just when you thought the passive–aggressive dick measuring contest was mostly channeled into beer chugging and “ratio” calculations, fraternity life at the University of Pennsylvania has found yet another highly contested but dubiously impactful, ranking system—Greek Rank.
When entering the shop on 11th and Chestnut streets, your eyes immediately dart around to the plethora of multicolored Post–its that coat the walls of the restaurant. The aromas of gooey cheese and fresh bread guide you to the register. Ordering here is pretty simple: Rosa’s offers a plain slice of cheese for $1.25, toppings for an extra 50 cents, and the option of buying an extra slice for someone in need. With each charity purchase, you can also write a Post–it to contribute to the decor of the restaurant, so think of some profound message to leave on the wall. I opted for “hi.”
That 50–year–old dude you saw at backlot last week? Probably somebody’s dad. That 50–year–old dude you're going to see at backlot this weekend? Not only somebody’s dad, but also a glorious alumnus of the University of Pennsylvania! That’s right; as we head into this weekend, thousands of former Quakers will be making the pilgrimage back to campus to relive their glory days on Locust Walk. Rather than get self–reflective and perhaps wonder what it will one day feel like to be in their positions ourselves, let Highbrow do what we do best—categorize the types of alums you’ll see this weekend.
Although overshadowed by the illustrious Amy G, Dean of Admissions Eric J. Furda is a Penn administrator that all undergrads here have had the pleasure of interacting with in one way or another. However, the man is hard to find, and unless you are camped outside of 1 College Hall, you probably won’t get to know him very well in your years at Penn. So let Highbrow do the digging, and let’s all learn a little more about Penn’s sceniest dean of admissions.
Ah, the warm burn of a shot of Bankers’ finest, the chilled–out music that you actually like to listen to, the familiar faces of your closest friends—these are the dreams that pregames are made of. That innocuous time of night when you can come together with your inner circle and just relax before a night out. But perhaps it's time that we stop and think about this cultural phenomenon for just a second.
Although the leaves on Locust have not yet turned from green to amber, winter’s chill is starting to peek its head on campus. While we're all lamenting the now–distant summer, there's now a great pain in our chests every morning when we ask ourselves, what do I wear? 75 degree days with 50 degree nights can be a fashion disaster when deciding between those great summer outfits and the more characteristic flannels and layers of fall. Here are some ins and outs for dealing with this confusing weather:
The sun rises over New Hill. Gone is the scuttle of rats. Highbrow hears that the showers even lock. The once–infamous dorm, known for its closet–sized doubles and fortress–esque facade, was actually featured in a New York Times article for how profoundly ugly it is. But hey, it's all looking up for Hill now; it has been given a long overdue 80 million dollar facelift by Penn Facilities and Real Estate. Now Hill boasts amenities like air conditioning, making it at least as good as the Quad, right? However, 80 million dollars is a lot of money, and certainly some AC doesn’t cost that much. So what gives?