There are 16 days until Spring Break, and you are fat. That leaves you five days for bingeing, two days to "work out" and "eat healthy," and nine days to crash diet so that you can trawl the beaches without being accidentally harpooned by a nearsighted sailor.
9:00 a.m.: Wake up. Admire the thread count.
9:30: Enter shower.
9:40: Wet badger-hair shaving brush with warm water, apply lather to face.
10:15: Check [Stanford] Encyclopedia [of Philosophy] Word of the Day.
Calling me pretentious? Oh, aren't you original! Now let us pretend for a minute that you're not hurling uninformed vitriol at me to compensate for your own inadequacy and failure, and give it to me straight, friend: how can I just be an unassuming regular Joe?
I could watch the boob tube, yeah?
Fisher Fine Arts is like Van Pelt's well-behaved, socially awkward, yet pretty older sister. With beautifully carved red stone and intricate stained glass windows, its architecture puts all other Penn buildings to shame.
Most law schools evaluate a combination of GPA and LSAT scores to admit their students. Penn, however, appears to use sex appeal as their deciding factor, resulting in a law library chock full of Gregory Pecks and Reese Witherspoons.
More than its ego, senior English major Kelly Landers is the library's id. We attempted to learn the truth about this fashionista's symbiotic relationship with Van Pelt.
Street: So you spend a lot of time at Van Pelt.
Kelly Landers: It's been noticed by quite a few.
We asked Engineering junior Tal Raviv, creator of the celebrated College House videos for prospective students and holder of the Guinness Book of World Record's title for the largest ball of packing tape, ¨Qu‚ tal?
Did you take last semester off?
Jeffers, president of the BIG-C.
Aside from Panhel and the Interfraternity Council, the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs oversees the Bicultural Inter-Greek Council (BIG-C), which is the umbrella organization for Penn's historically African-American, Latino/Latina, and Asian Greek letter organizations.
Explain your sweatshirt.
I am a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. which is one of 13 groups under BIG-C.
Street: Are you excited about turning 21?
Michelle: Yes and no. I mean, its not like I haven't had alcohol before.
Street: No?! Stop it.
Michelle: Well, I got my first taste at age 3.
Street: Where were your parents?
Michelle: That summer my parents were painting a house.
You're at a party of ballers, but you can't stand anyone. You're gritting your teeth so hard you're convinced that you just swallowed a chunk of enamel.
Excuse yourself to the bathroom and never return, mingle for 30 minutes before making a good excuse to exit, or suck it up and stay the course - because you never know what offers will come when drunken conversations ensue.
The obvious answer:
Remain at the party for just enough time to have a few cocktails and get a few business cards.
Lovin' and Learnin' with Philomathean Society supreme ruler Gerard Leone who is convinced Philomathean means "love of learning."
Street: So how'd you get involved with Philo?
Gerard Leone: I tried out my fall semester freshman year, but I didn't get in.