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Highbrow

Overheard at Penn 01.23.14

Penn publication editor: Who wrote this, an immigrant?

by 34TH STREET

Word on the Street: Your 2014 New Year's Resolutions

Eat something for lunch other than a bagel from Mark’s/ No more sex in cabs/ Finally get with the boys on the Radian 14th floor/ Tell my thesis advisor what I really think of her/ Have sex in the bathroom of all four campus bars/ Stop farting in public/ Understand foreskin/ Stop hooking up with guys I can’t stand/ Stop pretending not to know people on Locust/ Be less bitchy to my mother/ Stop apologizing so much/ Use one weight machine at Pottruck without embarrassing and injuring myself (or others)/ Actually remember all the fun I have when I wake up the next morning/ Skinny dip in the Schuylkill/ Learn how to walk in heels/ Do something for someone else every day/ Know what is going on in the world beyond Penn/ Go to an Elmo naked party...naked this time/ Start working out during the mornings/ Stop walking from Starbucks to Van Pelt to Williams back to Starbucks looking for a place to study/ Stop walking around aimlessly in general/ Stop trying to run into that single person on Locust/ Cook more meals at home/ TEAR DOWN THE PATRIARCHY/Make THEOS irrelevant/ Ensure that the Wizard of Farts graduates so his power never sees Locust Walk again/ Stop only dating Jewish boys/ Stop hooking up with boys in the same lineage/ Stop reading CollegiateACB/ Get fucked in the ass more (or is that not highbrow enough?)/ Be fucking happy/ Have sex with a TA/ Learn that pizza isn’t a reliable friend/ Find someone to treat my tender boy pussy the right way/ Stop saying “You too” to the woman at Commons who tells me to have a good dinner/ Get gayer #nohetero/ Tell him my favorite part of the night is when he hugs me goodbye/ Get APES kicked off campus... oh wait/ Pee on Ben Franklin and not get arrested/ Take a full piss without hitting the rim or floor once/ NO MORE INSOMNIA COOKIES/ Wear my Greek letters more often/ Finally get with the boy I’ve liked since NSO freshman year/ Destroy more egos by not faking orgasms anymore/ Stop using people as social experiments/ Get head every time I give head/ Enjoy being able-bodied and young/ Read one book per week/ Eat more green things/ Don’t get ice cream after EVERY run/ Stop accidentally sending dick snapchats to my aunt/ Not pay for cheats on Candy Crush/ Cut down on my Tinder use/ Never set foot in Pike again/ Make out with a closeted frat guy at Smokes’/ Develop a consistent morning routine/ Have something that at least resembles a real relationship/ Smoke less pot and snort less cocaine/ Learn to not determine my self–worth in relation to other people/ Not accidentally make out with a 55-year-old again/ Give less fucks/ Floss.

by 34TH STREET

The Round Up: 01.23.14

Well, well, well. You may be thinking new year, new you, but Highbrow resolves to bring the gossip 2K14 times harder, juicier and dirtier.

by 34TH STREET

Tweet of the Week: 1.21.14

Tweet, tweet, Rush Street!

by 34TH STREET

Fall 2013 Senior Superlatives



by 34TH STREET

Ask McCassandra: McDonald's and McCuddles

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 How can I spice up my sex life? If there’s one question that Miss Cassandra gets over and over, it’s this one.

by MISS CASSANDRA

Dispatch: 50 McNugget Challenge

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 50 Nuggets. 30 Minutes.

by 34TH STREET

The Round Up: McDonald's

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 Ah, don’t you just love the smell of Big Macs in the morning?

by 34TH STREET

Overheard at McDonald's

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 McD’s patron: If I died and went to heaven… I would still be here.

by 34TH STREET

An Open Letter to: McDonald's

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 My Dearest, Dirtiest McDonald’s, I’m young, broke, hungry and most likely drunk, so what do I do?

by 34TH STREET

Tweet of the Week: 12.3.2013

Drop the tweet, yo

by 34TH STREET

Ask Miss Cassandra: Ingrown Hairs and Threesomes Laid–Bare

So I keep getting ingrown hair and I know it’s ingrown hairs and not an STD, but I’m worried that other people won’t.

by MISS CASSANDRA

Tweet of the Week: 11.19.2013

Tweetin' all day errday

by 34TH STREET

Penn Ebay Essentials

Penn Cornhole Carrier Do you ever just find yourself saying, “I have all this cornhole gear, but nothing to carry it with!”? Well never fear, eBay has the goods for you.

by 34TH STREET

Word on the Street: Everybody Has a Story

The other day, I was reading in Van Pelt when a girl in my sorority walked by. I waved hello as she passed and she came back to chat.

by RANDI KRAMER

Overheard at Penn

Sorority girl: I’ll wax anything for you.

by 34TH STREET

Ask Miss Cassandra: When your Partner is Out East and the STI Beasts

Dear Miss Cassandra, my boyfriend is in London for the semester and I want to try Skype sex.

by MISS CASSANDRA

Highbrow Horoscopes

Aries (March 21–April 20): People love being around you because of your vibrant and talkative nature.

by 34TH STREET

Word on the Street: Victoria's Secret

“That’s it?” My first and only boyfriend stared with dismay at my pale, exposed 32A boobs. That was the first time I let a boy take off my bra.

by ALEXANDRA STERNLICHT

The Roundup: 11.7.2013

After four days of awkward–costumed walk of shames, Halloweekend has come and gone. You put away your cat ears and taking out your winter parkas.

by 34TH STREET

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