Highbrow

Eat something for lunch other than a bagel from Mark’s/ No more sex in cabs/ Finally get with the boys on the Radian 14th floor/ Tell my thesis advisor what I really think of her/ Have sex in the bathroom of all four campus bars/ Stop farting in public/ Understand foreskin/ Stop hooking up with guys I can’t stand/ Stop pretending not to know people on Locust/ Be less bitchy to my mother/ Stop apologizing so much/ Use one weight machine at Pottruck without embarrassing and injuring myself (or others)/ Actually remember all the fun I have when I wake up the next morning/ Skinny dip in the Schuylkill/ Learn how to walk in heels/ Do something for someone else every day/ Know what is going on in the world beyond Penn/ Go to an Elmo naked party...naked this time/ Start working out during the mornings/ Stop walking from Starbucks to Van Pelt to Williams back to Starbucks looking for a place to study/ Stop walking around aimlessly in general/ Stop trying to run into that single person on Locust/ Cook more meals at home/ TEAR DOWN THE PATRIARCHY/Make THEOS irrelevant/ Ensure that the Wizard of Farts graduates so his power never sees Locust Walk again/ Stop only dating Jewish boys/ Stop hooking up with boys in the same lineage/ Stop reading CollegiateACB/ Get fucked in the ass more (or is that not highbrow enough?)/ Be fucking happy/ Have sex with a TA/ Learn that pizza isn’t a reliable friend/ Find someone to treat my tender boy pussy the right way/ Stop saying “You too” to the woman at Commons who tells me to have a good dinner/ Get gayer #nohetero/ Tell him my favorite part of the night is when he hugs me goodbye/ Get APES kicked off campus... oh wait/ Pee on Ben Franklin and not get arrested/ Take a full piss without hitting the rim or floor once/ NO MORE INSOMNIA COOKIES/ Wear my Greek letters more often/ Finally get with the boy I’ve liked since NSO freshman year/ Destroy more egos by not faking orgasms anymore/ Stop using people as social experiments/ Get head every time I give head/ Enjoy being able-bodied and young/ Read one book per week/ Eat more green things/ Don’t get ice cream after EVERY run/ Stop accidentally sending dick snapchats to my aunt/ Not pay for cheats on Candy Crush/ Cut down on my Tinder use/ Never set foot in Pike again/ Make out with a closeted frat guy at Smokes’/ Develop a consistent morning routine/ Have something that at least resembles a real relationship/ Smoke less pot and snort less cocaine/ Learn to not determine my self–worth in relation to other people/ Not accidentally make out with a 55-year-old again/ Give less fucks/ Floss.
January 23, 2014 at 8:45 am

Well, well, well. You may be thinking new year, new you, but Highbrow resolves to bring the gossip 2K14 times harder, juicier and dirtier.
January 23, 2014 at 8:20 am

Tweet, tweet, Rush Street!
January 21, 2014 at 11:29 am

December 22, 2013 at 10:55 pm

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 How can I spice up my sex life? If there’s one question that Miss Cassandra gets over and over, it’s this one.
December 5, 2013 at 5:53 am

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 50 Nuggets. 30 Minutes.
December 5, 2013 at 5:48 am

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 Ah, don’t you just love the smell of Big Macs in the morning?
December 5, 2013 at 5:32 am

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 McD’s patron: If I died and went to heaven… I would still be here.
December 5, 2013 at 5:32 am

This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013 My Dearest, Dirtiest McDonald’s, I’m young, broke, hungry and most likely drunk, so what do I do?
December 5, 2013 at 5:18 am

Drop the tweet, yo
December 3, 2013 at 5:32 pm

So I keep getting ingrown hair and I know it’s ingrown hairs and not an STD, but I’m worried that other people won’t.
November 20, 2013 at 2:03 pm

Tweetin' all day errday
November 19, 2013 at 9:08 pm

Penn Cornhole Carrier Do you ever just find yourself saying, “I have all this cornhole gear, but nothing to carry it with!”? Well never fear, eBay has the goods for you.
November 14, 2013 at 5:51 am

The other day, I was reading in Van Pelt when a girl in my sorority walked by. I waved hello as she passed and she came back to chat.
November 14, 2013 at 5:35 am

Sorority girl: I’ll wax anything for you.
November 14, 2013 at 5:22 am

Dear Miss Cassandra, my boyfriend is in London for the semester and I want to try Skype sex.
November 13, 2013 at 10:19 pm

Aries (March 21–April 20): People love being around you because of your vibrant and talkative nature.
November 7, 2013 at 5:48 am

“That’s it?” My first and only boyfriend stared with dismay at my pale, exposed 32A boobs. That was the first time I let a boy take off my bra.
November 7, 2013 at 5:09 am

After four days of awkward–costumed walk of shames, Halloweekend has come and gone. You put away your cat ears and taking out your winter parkas.
November 7, 2013 at 5:06 am

Bro in Pottruck sauna: This is like when I was in Israel and it was literally too hot for my iPhone to function.
November 7, 2013 at 5:04 am