To blonde girls: Where are you?! —Disappointed exchange student
To an AXO: I can say no.
To Tyga: The University of Pennsylvania might not be your biggest fan, but somewhere a school called Penn University loves you.
To the beautiful SDT sophomore I met at Shabbat dinner: Shut up. You had me at Hillel.
To the house of girls that takes pregnancy tests together: If one of you tests positive are you going to keep it as a house pet?
To the ZBT boy that pooped while hooking up: Shit happens, right?
To people who hashtag real life: #go #fuck #yourself
To the girl who insists on calling us “humans” all the time, in any situation: Can you fuckin' learn to speak like a human?
To the Royal Tennenbaum: The only sex position you know is the one where she’s having sex with someone else instead.
To the Wizard of Farts (wof): We missed your noxious mist while you were abroad. You may not be the wizard we need, but you’re the wizard we deserve.
To the admissions staff at Penn: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ACCEPTING ME I LOVE YOU SO MUCH <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
To the barista in Williams: Wanna roast my nuts?...Wow. That... that sounded a lot smoother in my head. Now that I wrote it, it’s obviously seriously disrespectful. My apologies. You’re beautiful.
To Chipotle: Sorry my Ultra family stole your “start your career rolling” sign. It was our first meal after three days in Miami.
To the Managers of Houston: It took you guys WAY too long to start serving chicken fingers.
To the guy who made a “your mama” joke on Facebook: Are you aware that there are people in this world that have a severe medical condition which causes them to be that way? My mother for instance is one of those people. She is a truck driver that has bad knees and a bad back from driving the truck, but you probably do not care about that case either. Oh well, I am not one of those people. I am 6’4”, 245lbs and I exercise every day. I would love to see you say something like that to my mother in front of me. Probably never happen though you are probably just an internet tough guy. I doubt very seriously you would say that to someone's face. Just my thought. What do you think? Oh I am sorry you probably do not have a brain. I on the other hand I will be happy to buy you a plane ticket to come here and see if you have the nerve to say that to someone I know. (EDITOR'S NOTE: uhhhhhhhhh....)
To the cook at Houston Grill: Don’t judge me for eating chicken fingers twice in one day.
To the Chicken Fingers in Houston: I can’t quit you.
To the alcohol monitor that was drunk: No punchline.
To anyone I’ve made out with 2–5 times: WHY DO I RUN INTO YOU EVERYWHERE?
To my subletter: When you and your London boyfriend break up, I will gladly bring your Big Ben from six to midnight.
To the Asian girl with the half shaved head: Stop trying so hard, we get it you’re alternative.
To everyone on campus: No, I didn’t drink or do drugs during Fling. Yes, I still had more fun than you. (EDITOR’S NOTE: …nah. You didn’t.)
To the Freshman living in lower Quad who requested a walking escort to Houston: So you can stumble home drunk, alone and shoeless at 3 a.m., but you don't feel safe walking to buy a bagel at 5 p.m.?
To the Ultimate Frisbee player I hooked up with during Fling: It was great talking about Jesus in between hickeys with you.
To my flask full of captains: You were worth more than the concert I had to throw you out at. R.I.P.
To the Elmo girls: None of the things that you are wearing are shirts.
To the transfer from New Orleans: Do you want to explore my French Quarter?
Yo Penn Cru: Nice try, but you guys are still homophobic.
To the Polish guy: No one cares if you are important in Poland. No one cares about Poland.
To Girl Talk: I’d rather listen to girls talk.
To Simply Chaos: At your last show someone literally did an airplane food joke. The 1990s called, they want their punch lines back.
To the girl who thought I was her only straight friend: Turns out you have no straight friends. Sorry about that.
To the AXO who peed off the fire escape at A's: You brought a whole new meaning to the word “April showers."
To the senior rower: Your coach should be proud of how well you’ve mastered the art of the quick finish.
To Sammy: Your house is a mess, call Consuela.
To my parents: I’m sorry for drunk calling you on Saturday crying about my lost sunglasses... on your anniversary.
To the girl with her head in the McDonald’s trash can Fling Saturday: Did it smell as desperate as it felt?
To the freshman trying to crowd surf in the quad despite the fact that there was no crowd: You taught me that I don’t need other people to have fun.
Dear HamCo: Why are you still such a dump when there are so many construction workers roaming your dismal courtyard?
To Diet Pepsi: How does it feel to be Diet Coke's bitch?
To all my students: I was born in England, raised in Israel and my parents are from South Africa. Now you can stop trying to figure out my accent and start studying for the final. Cheers! Dr. Stein
To the junior in Pikapp who texted me in Spanish: Nosotros somos finitos.
To the girl who was eating a Greek Lady gyro on the dance floor of a Beta fling party: You’re my gyro.
To the weight–conscious women: You’re beautiful the way you are. Love, The Nice Jewish Boys.
To Carriage: Every senior society on campus is already gays and their allies. What are you bringing to the table?
To my Jimmy John's crush: It takes less time for you to deliver my sandwich than to make a move.
To the one they call “needledick”: They call me “pinhole vagina” ;)
To senior design: Thank you for assuring me that finance was the right career choice.
To Bursar: I knew you were trouble when you walked in.
To a certain Theta: Third nose job is the charm?
To Amy Gutmann: Thank you for shaming SPEC by bringing a better performer than they ever could. Looking forward to getting rowdy with John Legend. You rock, A–Gut.
Look out for worst of shoutouts at 2!
