To the girl with the uneven boobs in my physics class: from the right side you look hot, but from the left you look like my grandma.
To the guy who fell off his bike on Spruce St.: even though I asked if you were OK, I was laughing my ass off on the inside.
To Gary Lundy in ARTH001, what I would do to you in a room without windows and a world without consequences? Please continue to apply lip balm every 10o minutes during class.
To my roommate last year: I had sex in your bed.
To the grunting behemoth on the crew team: An-nun-ci-ate.
To the Jew in my ESE 304 class with the crooked yarmulke: why the crooked yarmulke?
To my SOCI 003 professor: you can stop worrying, I'm not pregnant.
To the kid who always wears the hot pink polo with the collar flipped up and the excessively loud yachting shorts: if it were possible, I'd shove another stick up your ass.
To the guy in the "retro" CBGB's shirt: we all know you bought it at Abercrombie, so sit down.
To the really fat, effeminate guy in my Psych lecture: what, is the closet too narrow for you to come out of?
To the guy who stole my Boyz II Men CD: I have nothing to say to you, except "wow."
To all of the girls on campus: if you're ever interested in a good-looking guy with a British accent and sideburns, stop right there. He definitely gave me the clap.
To the girl wearing the short skirt who was dancing on the bar at Smoke's: we could all see your tampon string. It was gross.
To the guy who rides the unicycle everywhere: buy a bicycle. You're just a jackass with good balance.
To the kid in my writing seminar who looks like John Stamos: Sex, no strings attached. What do you say?
To a certain UA hotshot: I can't wait to see you naked. Can we do it in the pooper?
To the guy who eats the chicken gyro next to me in history: stop. It's a 9 a.m. class for God's sake, so just stop.
To the guy who pretends he DESPISES a cappella: who are you kidding? You're in Off the Beat, for fuck's sake. And weren't you in Glee Club, too?
To the girl who tucks her jeans into her Uggs: so your outfit costs more than my rent. Big deal. It looks STUPID, don't you get it?
To the guy who hates everything I write AND shows up at my parties right before I'm going to bed: why must you torture me so? And why must you say everything twice?
Why do you fuck everyone and hide it? It's not normal. We're your friends. Just tell us. We don't care if you're a slut, slut.
Sophomores in Theta: Eat and get drunk.
St. A's douchebags: you are douchebags. Why are you such coke-fiending backstabbers? You suck balls. Literally.
To David Maier: Even though you look like an alien and you lived in the quad as a sophomore, I want to jump your bones.
To the boy who tells everyone that "this is the coolest girl you've ever met." Call her!
I don't just wanna write about you. I want to have your babies.
To the boy in Beta who did not get excited when we were both from Tennessee: stop crossing the street when I pass you. You're not that much cooler than me. God. You're not cooler than me at all, fucker.
Professor who looks like a big penis: being in your class makes me sick. Literally, I want to puke on you -- and I like penises, so that's pretty bad.
Dear admissions people: please take my little brother. I'll give you a BJ.
Dear admissions people: let hotter girls in. I'll give you a BJ.
All the JAPs at Penn: Thank you for taking such great notes. They have probably raised our GPAs by an entire point. Love, TEP.
To the girl who likes C's (Concerta, cocaine, cock, coffee, cigarettes, candy, cookies): you're Cool.
Conceited slut: I'm so glad we're friends, even though deep down we really hate each other.
To that grad student who kicked me out of "his" carousel at the library: you asshole, no one actually reserves those things.
To that career services lady who never fails to clog my mailbox with useless crap. I am never going to intern for Goldman and Sachs in Hong Kong, no matter how many info. sessions you tell me about.
To President Gutmann: I still don't belive you're a Roots fan no matter how many free concerts they play here at Penn.
Hot Mainer in Econ 102: if I blow you, will you reach your highest indifference curve?
Annoying, German/Asian girl in my French class who never stops talking and always raises her hand whenever somebody gets a question wrong. Shut up! Your voice is irritating and nobody likes you.
To all you people with naturally "red" hair: Don't fuckin' lie. Your hair is orange and you know it!
To my Chuck Taylors: even if you're super trendy again you're a damn cute pair of shoes. So, why do you still insist on hurting the shit out of my feet?
To sexy ex-DP columnist with lop-sided grin. Come over and say hi. I'll blow you away with more than just intellectual history.
Dear Penn Cops on bikes, who are you kidding? I mean, seriously.
Coach Bagnoli: Start playing Sagar @ WR, you fucking fuck. -Pike 4th floor
To the boy last semester who took a bite out of a cookie at ABP and then put it back on the rack: if you thought no one saw you, you were wrong.
To the ex-girlfriend who never brushes her teeth: so kind of you to give back my toothbrush. Good thing I demanded my condoms, though, or you would have used them all ... cum dumpster.
To the blond in my Russian terrorism class: I want to fuck you. Gently.
Polish guy with sexy eyebrow ring: little Brooklyn bombshell from green is waiting for you in the book stacks. I have no due date so please check me out.
To the blonde sophomore girl with the accent: sweetie, you're from the Main Line. What the fuck?
To the girl with the freckles in my English class: I have a huge crush on you and we're both girls.
To the two asshole boys who sit across from me during university council: sometimes I think about fucking you and we're all guys.
Dear ex-gf, I think about you every time I take a shit while a koala watches me.
To the girl that used to toss my salad every Sunday after brunch: thanks.
To my mother: happy birthday, you fat, goddamn whore.
To my roommate: A job well done on crying while you masturbate under the sheets.
To my Ethics TA: do you think it would be unethical for you to date a student?
To one of the many guys who has gotten with my roommate: thanks for barfing in my bathroom and using my toothbrush afterwards.
To curly-haired blond guy in BBB 109: Stop that thing you do constantly where you rub your chin and then smell your fingers. It's weird, disgusting and we all see you doing it.
To the freshman on the facebook with a penis drawn on his stomach: You're hot and weird and we should have sex.
To the bitches at Penn who bring the drama: you and the JAP crew versus me and the Revolution. Game: blouses.
To the guy who wanted to fuck me in the ass: No.
To that mysterious fatty I woke up to on that sad, winter morning: I want my dignity back.
I know I'm the asshole who sits in the front of class and answers the prof's questions. But you're engineers too, geeks. Now go fuck yourselves. Love, GA
To the class of '04: Why did you graduate? Or, phrased another way -- To the class of 05: why do you suck so much? Like, seriously, why?
