1. “Put it in Your Mouth” by Akinyele
You may think that the name is chock full of enough grossness to get the full picture. Not true—it gets much better/worse/mostly better. Listen to it, live it, love it. It’s just so catchy. Try not to sing this under your breath for the rest of the day. You’re welcome.
Number of uncomfortable verbs (suckin, truckin?): 19
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaIW0URYK8o
2. “1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin’ New)” by Coolio
Warning: it’s impossible to enjoy the full effect of this song without the video. Oh that hair, that green screen disco cube room. Coolio really proves here that there ain’t no party like a west coast party ‘cause a west coast party don’t stop. Bonus: there’s also enough indecipherable gibberish to fill a Dr. Seuss book.
New vocabulary for your daily life: lingua–fringua, antilocks, looky loos
Priceless line: Grab your partner and do–si–do
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRVVOLNmkAQ
3. “Take U to Da Movies” by Bangs
No words for this, except that there’s also a sequel called “Take U 4 A Dinner.”
WTF scale: off the charts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmJbJs-9ST0
4. “Miracles” by Insane Clown Posse
This doubles as a hilariously bad rap song AND a surprisingly good lesson in fifth grade earth sciences. Water, fire, air and dirt. Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work? Magic everywhere in this bitch.
# of References to science: 37
• outer space: 8
• bodies of water: 5
• weather: 6
• miscellaneous: 18
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs
5. “Lip Gloss” by Lil’ Mama
This is the perfect soundtrack to the bus ride home from sixth grade. The video begins with Lil’ Mama being handed some really sick magic lip gloss that lights up and sparkles and it only gets better from there. I mean, who else can write about sexily wiping gooey lip gloss residue from the corners of your mouth?
# of times she says “poppin”: 27
Annoyingness scale: 10/10
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5ck6TJQ5Ow
6. “Pimp Juice” by Nelly
Not only is Nelly a rap genius, but he’s also extremely tidy. Don’t forget to dust off your shoes before you put your feet on his rug. Use a pimp coaster because no one likes a rug covered in pimp juice stains, amiright? Cleanliness—we can all dig that.
Most priceless line: You ain’t from Russia, so bitch why you rushin’?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70o_F6Yo7ck
7. “Jane Fonda” by Mickey Avalon
The video opens with a fictional television show called “Soul Hour,” so you know from the beginning that it’s pure gold. The next four minutes are a whirlwind of uncomfortable sexual references, dancing money graphics and some of the best rap lines of all time (i.e. tastes like chicken and was lemon–scented). Mickey also manages to count all the way up to seven in this one, so points for that.
Number of lady callers: 7 (Jane, Jen, Baby, Jean, her momma, Dana, Grace)
Number of people that actually know how to do the ‘Jane Fonda’: 0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xdKuhYaW_0
8. “Rich as Fuck” by Lil Wayne and 2 Chainz
This song makes us all forget those student loans and the fact that we just bursar–ed a salad for lunch and allows us to embrace that good old fashioned Ivy League elitism. Look at you, now look at us. I smell a new Penn fight song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx2raP3P3FQ
9. “Rooster in My Rari” by Waka Flocka Flame
What exactly does Waka Flocka mean by “rooster?” His expert use of symbolism is way over my head. Once you watch the video, though, you realize that he means that there is literally a giant, feathered rooster in his rari. Where did that rooster come from? Why is he in that rari? We may never know.
Number of times Waka Flocka says “Oh,” “Ok,” “Uh”: 13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odAUGyNMZsk
10. “Brand New” by Living Legends
This guy is rapping about his stocks and bonds. He keeps it O.G. by watching episodes of The O.C. He brags about the security of his local neighborhood watch. This is the best rap song ever written for scrawny kids in boat shoes and salmon shorts. Scratch that—this is possibly the best rap song ever written. It doesn’t even belong on this list.
Number of questionable rhyme attempts: 17
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aah-FbtNjYY
