Contestants, you've made it this far. We're not going to announce a second or first runner up, but if these selected winners cannot fulfill their duties as Miss Best of Penn, others will have to assume the role. Nevertheless, these winners have been selected because they will fulfill their duties for the entire year. These are the best of the best. The brightest of the brightest! The stars of West Philadelphia and Center City -- There she goes, Miss Best of Penn 2003!
Miss Take [Shopping]
Best Campus Addition
The Marvelous
208 S. 40th St.
(215) 386-6110
I don't read comics. Vinyl is old and I prefer my CDs. Despite these preferences, I still go to The Marvelous even though two-thirds of the store doesn't appeal to me. If you are a comic nerd or a vinyl collector, however, The Marvelous should be your mecca. And for you technologically advanced kids, there are CDs available, both used and new. Go shop there now because The Marvelous deserves your business more than Tower Records.
Best Bangladeshi
international services
Bangladesh International Services
4111 Ludlow St.
(215) 382-6666
Need to wire some money, pay your gas bill or get a money order? Want to do it with the flair and passion of Bangladesh? Take a walk down 41st Street and turn left to find Bangladesh International Services, your one-stop shop for all your Bangladeshi international services. The staff is friendly, the place is neat and tidy and the location is hidden enough to keep the crowds down. When you need your Bangladeshi international services now, head to Bangladeshi International Services.
Best place to buy Barbie World, Penthouse and Fly-Fishing Addict on your parents' tab
Penn Bookstore
3601 Walnut St.
(215) 898-7595
People who say that chain bookstores are destroying our country don't know what it's like to wake up with $1,000 burning a hole in their PennCard. Sometimes you don't feel like a Gatorade Frost, a cushy chair and Car and Driver, but sometimes you do -- and when those times hit, the bookstore is your man.
Best place to buy a
chin-strap dildo
Risque Video
4327 Chestnut St., Suite 101
(215) 382-6969
I know nothing about chin-strap dildos. OK, next to nothing. After all, what can you really learn from an intensive three week seminar? But, a quick call to (215) 382-6969 (6969... hmm, coincidence?) has taught me that there are only three six-inch Latex Accommodators left in stock. RUSH OVER WITH YOUR $24.99 TODAY AND CHIN-STRAP DILDO THRUST AWAY!
Miss Anthropy [Characters]
Best hostess
Catherine Zeta-Jones lookalike
Philly Diner
3925 Walnut St.
(215) 382-3400
With all due respect to the hostess at Pod, the Catherine Zeta-Jones lookalike at Philly Diner is the No. 1 hostess in West Philly, and maybe the world. She not only looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones, but her sexy voice reminds me of the star of Traffic as well. I can only assume that her beauty distracts the wait staff: how else to describe the lackadaisical service?
Best mural near campus
"Faces of Fear"
In-between 41st and 42nd on Sansom St.
By day, the "Faces of Fear" quasi-mural is a pleasant experience. Walking by, you notice the faces of Mr. Burns, Homer Simpson and... other people (all non-Simpsons characters). By night, the place is a veritable scream machine, scaring all who walk by and perhaps even eating a child or two.
Best cameltoe
Power Yoga Works
3925 Walnut Street
(215) 243-YOGA
Attention all males: put down the roofies, Power Yoga Works is a much better way to get chicks. Females abound at this West Philly hot spot, and they're sweating profusely, bending their legs over their heads, and doing a position called "downward dog." Plus, you'll reach spiritual enlightenment without having to use a bottle of lotion.
Best sorority to have their charter suspended for one year
Sigma Delta Tau (SDT)
3831-33 Walnut Street
Street prides itself on never beating a dead horse. Ha. Right. For those of you who aren't in the know: the initials of Sigma Delta Tau, SDT, can be rearranged to spell STD, sexually transmitted diseases. Also, SDT has, in the past, made its pledges drink. And they've had their charter suspended for a year. So, in the words of Street's favorite philosopher, Nelson Muntz, "Ha-ha."
Best Maxim "HometownHottie"
Kirsten Grubbs
Kirsten Grubbs is a girl who knows what it is like to be many things to many people. UA Member, Senior Class Secretary, waitress at Smoke's, public art -- the list goes on and on. But at Street, she will always be, first and foremost, a Maxim "Hometown Hottie." While this Bucks County native did not make the final round, she'll always be number one in our book. Work it girl.
Best bartender: Rob at LT's
La Terrasse
3432 Sansom St.
(215) 386-5000
If you ever find yourself disorientated by a sudden shift in music from Orbital to Collective Soul while sipping on a Stella at LT's, blame one of the other bartenders. Because when Rob is handling the mix, such slipups don't happen. A proud father who also makes a mean drink, Rob is that bartender you want to be your friend. He treats everyone from thong- baring sorority girls and faux sophisticates to angsty MFA students and true sophisticates with the same calm congeniality. Give the man his due gratuity and don't stiff him with some 90 cent tip.
Miss Functions [Pastimes]
Best place to hit on (stoned) freshmen
Wawa Food Market
3744 Spruce St.
(215) 387-0029
Mo' money, mo' problems. So it goes with the silly freshmen and their penchant for the sticky: Mary Jane, doobies, weed, grass, joints, the chronic. Yeah, I suppose it might be fairly enticing. When it comes down to it, though, how comfortable are you walking upstairs, baby? Cause that's where I live. Right up in Stouffer. OK. "I'm really high," she claims. Awww. You probably are thirsty... for some of my man juice.
Best place to play
Scrabble
Paris Caf‚
124 S. 41st St.
(215) 382-2577
With either a glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice or an omelet (18 points), Paris Caf‚ is the place for University (48 points) City wordsmiths (48 points). There are two Scrabble (invalid word) boards, and although the one has too many 'S'-tiles, it is (a measly 2 points) still the best place to play Hasbro's 55-year old game The service is always friendly, and fellow customers (38 points) usually ask you how many points you're losing by. At least that's what they ask me every time (6 points) I play.
Best place to see a show
First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut St.
(215) 925-6356
With the demise of the First Union Center -- the bank changed its name to Wachovia -- some might think there is no venue in Philly prefaced by the letters 'F.U.' Fear not, aspiring humorists! You can still make your lame jokes; you just have to be an indie rocker to do it. The F.U. Church hosts some of the hippest and hottest bands in the minds of pretentious college kids today. So fold your hands and grab your Keds and head down Chestnut to see a show.
Best Ritz Theatre
The Bourse
400 Ranstead St.
(215) 440-1181
The Ritz East is a bit small, and the Ritz Five is a little too big. But The Ritz Bourse? Just right. Show up early to see some art clips (as opposed to "Spot the Coke Bottles!"), and enjoy the escalator ride that you can't get at the other Ritz Theatres.
Best class to skip
Insurance 205
Don't go to INSR 205 for two reasons: 1) There are three professors, and let me tell you how dumb they are. First of all, they are idiots. Second, they make like five dollars an hour. 2) Insurance is boring and for losers. One night of cramming is all you need for an easy B.
Best place to study
8th floor, Huntsman Hall
38th and Spruce Sts.
The 8th floor, also known as the "Floor of Inscrutability," is the classiest studyin' hole this side of Steinberg Dietrich. It's supposed to be off limits, but savvy students can enjoy up to an hour (before ejection) reading in this veritable Executive Fantasyland equipped with advanced technology, excellent lighting and a golden leprechaun that showers you with riches and services you sexually.
Best Penn fashion trend that needs to stop
Metrosexuality
Metrosexuals. You know, the "straight guys" who do everything that gay guys do except for the cock sucking (allegedly). What these deluded souls fail to realize is that spending ridiculous amounts of money doesn't make you stylish, it just makes you an obnoxious straight guy trying too hard to impress women. You might as well be cruising South Street in a Camaro.
Best place to smell sewage
In Front of Addams Hall
200 S. 36th St.
No, it's not you, and no, the Fine Arts majors do not need to shower, thank you very much. Nobody really knows the story behind why a seemingly-innocuous vent on 36th Street near Walnut belches out foul-smelling sewer gas with its steam, but it's there for all to smell. And it's been proven that there's nothing like a little bit of hydrogen sulfide to get those creative juices flowing.
Best biopond substitute
English House roof
3465 Sansom St.
Some Penn students, none of whom Street would ever hang out with, smoke marijuana. Street hears that, if their RAs were pathetic assholes, those aforementioned potheads would go to Biopond to engage in their sick and disgusting drug habit. But Biopond is under construction, and Street has been hearing rumors that the new hot spot for drug addicts is the English House Roof. If I had ever been there, I could tell you that the open roof provides a great view of the city, perfect for stoned observations. Just say no, man. Just say no.
Best place to watch football
Cavanaugh's
119 S. 39th St.
(215) 386-4889
Sure, part of the reason that I like to watch football at Cavanaugh's is that I'm a union man, dammit. But there are other reasons: comparatively cheap bar food, comparatively good bar food and a smaller area for ease of talking shit every time a New York team gets their ass deservedly beat.
Best dedication plaque
Urinals in men's room beside Mark's Caf‚
Van Pelt Library
Rosengarten Reserve
While many folk piss away their money, few people donate money to ensure that people can keep on pissing away. If you have made a pit stop to the recently renovated men's bathroom near Mark's Caf‚ in Van Pelt, you are familiar with the urinary generosity of one Mr. Zinman. Placed above each of the three urinals are shiny, circular disks bearing an amusing phrase that reads like a fortune cookie: "The relief you are now experiencing is made possible by a gift from Michael Zinman." Too bad Mr. Zinman didn't endow the crappers as well.
Best place to hit on MBA's
MBA Cafe, Huntsman Hall
Since I decided I was done sleeping with undergrads, MBA's were the next most obvious choice to bed. Even if the walk of shame from Rittenhouse is infinitely more painful, MBA's have way better apartments, money to spend on getting you drunk and at least four more years experience in bed. Head to the MBA Caf‚ in Huntsman where you can pick up a muffin or sandwich -- and pick up the hot guy in the suit or the woman in those sexy black pumps. Maybe you'll get lucky. And someone tried to tell me there's no chorizo on the menu at ABP. What the fuck do they know?
Best thong-spotting
location
Class
Although we're supposedly pretty smart, what we Penn girls obviously haven't figured out is that ergonomically-designed plastic lecture hall chairs with inexplicable holes in the back plus extra super low skintight Miss Sixty jeans equals trouble. If you want to see Victoria with her Secrets hanging out, your best bet is to suck it up and go to class.
Best Place to be hit by a SEPTA trolley
4200 Spruce St.
Hours of operation: 3:06 a.m.
Remember the nights when you could safely go to bed knowing that a good night's rest lay before you? Sorry, baby, those days are over. SEPTA trolleys are pissed at you and they're not gonna take it anymore. They're like: "Hey, you in the house. I'm gonna hit you while you're asleep." Adding to this frightening trend is that today's trolleys no longer abide by the same proprieties of their ancestry. Just the other day, this trolley told me, "Hey, I saw those tracks but I don't follow rules like that. I ride my own path, right into your house." Beware of trolleys reading Robert Frost.
Miss Digest [Food]
Best Pizza
New Style Pizza
4060 Chestnut St.
(215) 387-5633
At New Style Pizza, 'the usual' is a small pizza, an order of fries and a 20 oz. Coke. Or, at least it is for me. Your 'usual' may be different. Regardless, there are several reasons to frequent New Style: great pizza, friendly owners Paul and Elizabeth and great pizza. It's a little far from campus, but it's worth the walk. And, if you order delivery, Paul will bring it to you himself. Mama mia!
Best wasabi mashed potatoes
Buddakan
325 Chestnut St.
(215) 574-9440
When you're getting that not-so-fresh feeling, and you can't decide if it's the cigarettes or the clap, come here to clear your sinuses. It's an experience that will leave you as sated, as spiritual and as destitute as Buddha himself, but a whole lot closer to home. Unless, of course, you're from Lumbini.
Best late-night scrapple
Midtown IV Diner
2013 Chestnut St.
(215) 567-3142
Midtown IV is the place to go for late night snackables like burgers, pancakes and greasy pork byproducts. The service is typical and the atmosphere smokey and impersonal: it's exactly what a diner should be. You can order practically anything, but we suggest a side of scrapple drenched in either ketchup or syrup with every meal. Processed pork pieces: they do a body good!
Best tofu from a cart
Magic Meatballs at the Magic Carpet food truck
34th and Walnut Sts.
36th and Spruce Sts.
One of my freshman year roommates swears by the Magic Meatballs at the Magic Carpet food truck. She convinced me, now that we are in our last year at Penn, to try the Magic Meatballs salad. I'm not going to lie: afterwards I felt slightly ill. Although Magic Meatballs seemingly aren't for everyone, those who are fans would die for 'em.
Best new storefront that resembles a toaster oven
Commerce Bank
3735 Walnut St.
(215) 387-1000
For the hottest personal financing experience in town, walk over to this extra-large easy bank oven and watch your assets grow and turn golden brown right before your eyes. Now, I don't know exactly what branch manager Amber Peipher was thinking when she OK'ed this monstrous toaster design, but I can tell you that it makes me really hungry... for a line of credit.
Best ricotta cheese
Di Bruno Bros.
109 S. 18th Street
(215) 665-9220
Go to Freshgrocer if you want to buy pre-packaged curd-like cheese bricks wading in a stagnant pool of cow juice. If it's homemade grainy-yet-creamy ricotta that you hunger for, journey to Di Bruno Brothers where $6.99 will buy you a pound of palatal paradise. And go hungry. Di Bruno Brothers is home to some of the best paninis in town and is located next to the name-your-creation Scoop de Ville ice cream parlor.
Best Late-Night Cookies
Insomnia Cookies
It's hard to find a man that will work some magic in the kitchen, but I've finally found one. Insomnia Cookies was founded by Seth Berkowitz, a guy who's not afraid to bake you some treats and deliver them to your door. A little creepy, some may say -- but nonetheless, he's the perfect cure for your midnight munchies.
Best Suburban Addition to Center City
Trader Joe's
2121 Market St.
(215) 569-9282
Packaged foods are so cool. You may not have realized that, being above Swanson's "Hungry Man" and all, but it's true. And Trader Joe's serves up the best packaged foods west of 20th Street, including frozen crŠme brulee in real porcelain pots. Mmm... mmm... good.
Miss Your Mouth [Drinks]
Best $1 warm gin shots
Drinker's Tavern
124 Market St.
(215) 351-0142
Looking to soothe the pain of your daily existence, or quench the thirst of healthy British urges? Well, the Drinker's Tavern is way ahead of you. Not only do they refuse to keep their gin cold and promote its warm nature -- they suggest that it's actually better that way. And you believe them, because they are the British and better than you, and you just have to take it. I'm Irish and I say fuck you England, I'll take your damn warm gin, but I'll still drink you under the table.
Best place to buy a 40
Abner's
3813 Chestnut St.
(215) 662-0100
The 40-ounce: a simple glass bottle that's the cornerstone of any well-rounded college experience. Of course, you need a place to buy it, and for us, it's Abner's. The selection is solid, with all the old standbys from Colt to St. Ide's, and its central location and late-night hours vault it ahead of the competition. Oh yeah, and cheesesteaks, too.
Best BYOB
La Locanda del Ghiottone
130 N. 3rd St.
(215) 829-1465
Some of Philadelphia's best restaurants are BYOB. Considering Pennsylvania's draconian liquor laws, this is a bit inexplicable, but with places like La Locanda del Ghiottone around, I'm not complaining. A fun little place that takes its food seriously, you are guaranteed a good meal here, if you don't mind a wait. The restaurant only takes reservations on weekends. Every other time of the week, expect lines out the door.
Best coffee cups
Rx
4443 Spruce St.
(215) 222-9590
There are certain things that you will want to take with you on your first trip to the moon. The space-age, aluminum coffee cups at Rx are one such item. Along with some delicious brunch grub, these mugs will inspire you to get over that Sunday morning hangover.
Best purple happy hour drink
Purple
Pod
3636 Sansom St.
(215) 387-1803
Let's be honest, after three or four drinks at Pod's Happy Hour, you stop caring what color drink you just ordered and start drunkenly shoving free teriyaki chicken down your throat, trying not to fall off the little cube seats. Still, Purple is the color of choice when riding the rainbow: a delicious mix of Stoli Razberi, plum wine, razmatazz -- a super secret ingredient, perhaps -- and cranberry juice.
Best place to actually pay for beer that comes in a plastic cup
Smokey Joe's
210 S. 40th St.
(215) 222-0770
If life is a highway, then Smoke's is a frat party. Every time I walk through the door, I'm tempted to holler, "Yo, where's the keg?" In my fantasy, Joe Ryan and Kirsten Grubbs work the tap while working each other up in a frothy frenzy. Damn, they are so hot right now. While we've got some beef that they serve us beer in a plastic cup, we can sympathize. After all, would you want all those stupid sorority sluts breaking your fine china?
