Matt Klapper: Matt Klapper has 691 Penn friends on thefacebook.com. He likes them all. No seriously, he does. Especially when they vote for him.
Bottle Service at Marbar: Note: West Philadelphia is not spelled P-A-R-I-S. Curiously, the people who order bottle service at Marbar are the same perpetrators who own Burberry pajamas and change their names to Stephano.
Kevin Federline: Mr. Britney Spears. The First Husband of pop. Back up dancer. Hoosier. Trailer trash with a high interest rate. Need we continue?
Dave Eggers: Wrote an autobiography and considered it A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Proclaims to be struggling author while killing off family members for material. Gulp.
Jet Blue: The budget airline claims to be the "new black." If by black they mean a cramped space with tiny televisions where you have to pick up your own trash, then they're, like, totally right.
The Undergraduate Assembly: And the award for most ineffective, pointless campus institution goes to... the UA! They'd like to thank the four people who voted for them, and SAC for continuing funding against all better interests. But seriously, was the name "student council" just not cool enough?
Kathleen Hall Jamieson: Annoying pundit extraordinaire. If by "communications" you mean manipulative banshee screaming, then she's the dean. Just check the syllabus. Besides, at least Janet Reno can dance. Let our people go, KHJ ... let our people go.
Gmail: The most severe egoists can't have email that's available to the masses -- how proletarian. The elitist email answer? Gmail.com, available by invitation only.
IKEA: So, you want to buy a ping pong table/storage cube/armoire with a Swedish name you can't pronounce? Write it on a piece of paper, schlep the parts around a vacuous never-ending hell of a warehouse, and build it yourself, but don't expect the manuals to be in English, or, for that matter, at all intelligible.
Messenger bags: Years from now, when we all have chronic back pain and weak joints, we can blame the one-shouldered bag that in its feeble impracticality somehow sent the backpack packing, and in its stead masquerades as an equally legitimate vestibule for a college student's school books.
Kerri Strug: Just because you have the valor/stupidity to vault lame for Olympic Gold does not excuse the fact that you have a pitiable haircut and are not attractive enough to be on television.
CAPS: To purchase an Hermes Birkin Bag, you are put on the waiting list for four years, which is approximately how long you will be waiting for even a diagnostic appointment at Penn's Counseling and Psychological Services.
Penn's Animalia: People are so big. Squirrels are so small. And yet, Penn's wildlife has no respect for the natural human-animal hierarchy and strut fearlessly amongst their two-legged superiors. They are rumored to favor bagels and anything they can eat with a fork.
The Pope's Pallbearers: 'Nuff said.
Tour Groups: Yes, please enter our library, interrupt our classes, and walk through the middle of our conversations. Nevermind the fact that, you know, we actually go here.
Off-the-Beat: You (oooh, shabop shabop) think you're so cool (shabop shabop) you probably think this column's (beat box, beat box, shabop) about you (ooooh).
Canals of Venice: A city built on water where people get around in boats moved by men with sticks? Brilliant! Or -- and this may be a shot in the dark here -- not. Pass the vino.
Kofi Annon: Since when does being the head of a major international organization qualify you for an honorary degree from Penn? Dave Thomas, the Wendy's guy, never got one. And he died.