Who's your favorite Capitalist?

Santa Claus, fuck yeah.

Who's your style icon?

Mrs. Claus, fuck yeah.

What was Marx like in bed?

Santa Claus was merrier, fuuuuuuuuuck yeah! He likes to do it reindeer-style. Scrooge was the best screw of all, though.

Which reindeer is the most servile?

Surprisingly, Rudolph is. You'd think he would be big-headed and rebellious and shit because he's the leader who lights the way. But, Santa's whip is aimed to crack right at Rudolph's balls while they're flying, so frankly, I don't blame the kid. Oh man...servile reindeers...so fucking hot. Not gonna lie, I got a fetish.

True or false: all Boy Scouts are Communist?

Don't you think that's a little racist?

Do you floss?

I floss with cookies and milk. And my biatch.

Must-have style item?

A menorah. Just keeping it light!

What do you do during Christmas eve?

Go over to my man Jesus' place, eat some birthday cake, and play some Balderdash. Then we play a drunken game of "Never have I Ever." Guess who ends up throwing up at the end of the night.

How do you sleep at night knowing that Christmas is evil?

Swaddled in a warm, 8000000-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets at the Pole, upon a mattress stuffed with real snow and clouds, heated by 200 row-boating elves. And of course I have to have my claws in my Claus. And by that, I mean sexually. Santa likes to tether me to a giant candy cane and we take turns whipping each other. Oh, the joys of Christmas!

What's your favorite song?

"Money," by Pink Floyd. And that song that goes, "Monay monay monay monay moooonay...Monay!" I don't know the title though. It's in a lot of movies. You know what I'm talking about?

No. Anyway, who is cuter, Kim JongIl or Chairman Mao?

Probably Kim JongIl. Not only are his eyeglasses amazing but I've had a thing for North Koreans ever since the that amazing 007 movie, Die Another Day.

Are you into threesomes?

Do you like candy? If so, then fuck yeah.


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