Coming to Penn from Australia by way of the elite Institut d'‚tudes politiques, junior Damien Bright makes a memorable impression. Embracing pretension, we asked him a few questions from the Proust Questionnaire to find out the depth of his profundity.
Street: What is your principle defect?
Damien Bright: I talk too much. That probably leads to all the rest, which is treating people like shit. I think that I present more enthusiasm than I have the time and energy to go through with. That's not to sound cocky or arrogant, either, because it's difficult for me as well.
Street: What do you regard to be the lowest depth of misery?
DB: Being shafted when you love someone. That might be soppy, but it's true.
Street: Could you describe your first kiss?
DB: I was 11 and it was at a pool. I got called Hot Lips for three months because no one else had kissed anyone else at that age. How'd you like that? You gonna use that? Fuck off.
Street: What would you like people to say about you when you leave a room?
DB: "Pass the beer."
Street: What would you name your children?
DB: Probably really irritating Irish names that they'd grow up to hate. Like Ulysses, which isn't Irish at all, and Seamus, and Siobhan, because that's really ugly.
Street: Who are your favorite characters in history?
DB: Napoleon, because he's really short. Hannibal, because he did that whole elephants thing. Robespierre, because he shot his face off.
Street: How would you like to die?
DB: Very messily, hopefully. Strewn across a highway, very flamboyant and stupid.
Street: Could you define 'modality?'
DB: Are you taking the piss?
Street: Finish this sentence. I'm not pretentious, I'm just.
DB: A cock.
At this point, Damien took out a pouch of tobacco and began to roll a cigarette. He refused to answer any questions for the rest of the interview.
