The foxy men of Alpha Chi Omega’s Big Man on Campus pageant love themselves. And their pelvic thrusts. Check them out tonight, 8 p.m. at the Starlight Ballroom.
Street: What makes you a big man on campus?
Richard Schmidt: My penis.
Andrew Gold: My goldshlonger.
Chris Ashley: I am small, but my presence* is large (*presence = presents = package).
Nate Abrams: Girth.
Gerry Chang: I’m going to assume “big” means “Scrawny Asian.”
Adam Drici: The fact that you’re asking speaks volumes about your social status.
Street: How were you recruited to compete?
Tommy McMahon: I was approached after I won an intense dance battle on the corner of 54th and Market.
Stelios Plakas: The girls know what’s up. They’ve seen my skills.
Christian Meyers: I’m used to women begging me, but this was seriously pathetic.
Nate: By force.
Street: How will you combat stage fright?
Drew Lassiter: By stuffing my pants to give the perception of a larger penis than I really have.
Chris: With sword and pistol.
Noah Aptekar: With a whip. Whip it good!
Christian: I don’t fear the stage. The stage fears me.
Street: Who would be biggest woman on campus?
Drew: Any girl that would possibly consider making out with me would win my vote.
Chris: Naturally, the heaviest.
Andrew: Amy Gutmann.
Adam: Bitch holds it down.
Street: If you don’t win, who do you want to win?
Richard & Christian: Adam Drici.
Tommy: Drew. He looks better in Spandex.
Gerry: Tommy. I think he needs it.
Adam: Stelios is old enough to be my dad, so I’d concede my victory to him, and maybe even get some free Greek Lady out of the deal.
Chris: Nobody. I’d rather OFSA try to cancel it again.
Street: What is the most valuable thing you have learned from the BMOC process?
Richard: That the “Big” is figurative. I’m actually quite small compared to most men on campus.
Drew: That a well-timed pelvic thrust is highly underrated.
Chris: How to polish my pelvic thrust.
Christian: That homosexuality and good dance moves are mutually exclusive. I’m in the back of the dance line.
Street: Who will you thank in your acceptance speech if you win?
Richard: Myself. Who else would have gotten me there?
Andrew: My mom, for giving me sick dance moves.
Adam: Jack Daniels, for making it all possible.
Christian: Larry Moses and Jesus.
Street: Who would play you in a movie about your life, and what would the movie be called?
Stelios: Tom Cruise, Matt Damon and Kiefer Sutherland would all be needed.
Andrew: Samuel L Jackson, because of the resemblance.
Adam: Fratdaddypalooza 3, with Harrison Ford in the lead.
Christian: Mariah Carey. Glitter.
Gerry: Jackie Chan in Rush Hour 4.
Street: If you could have dinner with one character or historical figure, who would you choose and why?
Richard: The Virgin Mary. Dinner would be the first step towards changing her title.
Stelios: Benjamin Franklin, the original BMOC.
Drew: Ronald McDonald. I would ask him how he’s been getting away with all the underage touching in the ball pit.
Andrew: Tara Reid in the Van Wilder/American Pie days. Why? Why not?
Nate: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Just wanted to see if you'd print that.
Street: What is your motto?
Richard: Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love and to celebrate the good days. It's an Egyptian proverb; those guys knew what was up.
Tommy: If you’re still feeling good about what you did yesterday, you haven’t done much today.
Stelios: Frat! Frat! Frat!
Street: If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, who or what would it be?
Tommy: A chair, because… never mind.
Drew: I would come back as a Smirnoff Ice six-pack, helping young males lose their virginity one at a time.
Chris: I would return as a female and shower three times a day.
Noah: Baloo the Bear from Jungle Book. These bare necessities will come to you.
Adam: BMOC. Forever.
