Frat Bros, I appreciate being invited to all your parties. Contributing to a “good ratio” is every girl’s dream. But as a Law & Order: SVU connoisseur, I know that under no circumstances do you go to a second location. So no, I do not want to “sample a shot of Patron” in your room. Nor do I want a “personal tour” of your off–campus house. And as flattered as I am, I also do not want to see your used condom collection. I might say it’s because “I need to check on my friend” or “I am a closeted lesbian,” but that’s not why I won’t accompany you. While I enjoyed the free sample, I’m not interested in purchasing the cake.
Freshman Biddies, We know you’re new to campus, but NSO was three weeks ago; it’s time to learn standard brotocol. Since every self–respecting bro has eaten a live goldfish, sported mutton chops for a week or done something equally brolic during pledging, the god Broseidon rewards us with a new crop of fresh meat (read: freshman sluts) every year. That is, until you become sororstitutes and we have to mix with you before you let us in your pants. So when you find us in a brocean of sweat and spilled jungle juice, make sure we can see your boobs if you’re DTF or else GTFO and rush ZTA in the spring, you fucking prude.
