A Cappella: Italian for “small intestine,” a cappella is a genre of singing that djin djin does not djin djo djin use instruments. Djin djo. Be sure not to miss any of Penn’s 300+ dozen a cappella concerts during the year, ranging from jazz and pop arrangements to pop and jazz remixes.
Ben Franklin Statue: This momentous statue will be a landmark for all of your highs and lows at Penn. From the first time you accidentally pose with him during Penn Preview days to the time you pee on him during Fling, Ben’s smiling face will be there to guide you. If only our school’s founding father could be here to see you now…
Copa Wednesdays: No, we’re not talking about the half–price burger special, but rather the only night that Penn students venture into Copa after dark. And they certainly come in droves. And by droves, we mean packs of Penn WASPs. For freshmen, Copa Wednesdays serve as a rite of passage and the stepping–stone into the holy trinity of bars here on campus.
Dirty rush: Dirty rush is to fall semester like a post–downtown Lorenzo’s trip is to Thursday night: it’s so wrong, but everybody’s doing it. “Omg you’re so cute! I love that top! Let me get your phone number so I can take you out to Pod and if we just happen to run into my sisters you’ll totally fall in love with them and then we’ll obvz sneak you into Smoke's because that’s what sisters–to–be are for! I won’t tell if you won’t tell!”
Excelano Project: It's Penn’s cooler–than–you spoken word poetry group. Their topics range from sex, breakups, politics, family, racism, and more sex, so naturally their shows sell out pretty quickly.
Flyering: Penn could sell itself on Locust Walk alone: the twinkling lights at Christmastime, the majestic canopy of trees, the aged brick on the ground, the lovely feeling of community and energy, blah blah blah, etc. That being said, anyone who actually goes to Penn knows not to take Locust to class unless they enjoy being harassed into attending a show or donating to some “good cause,” or maybe if they’re lonely and need some kind of human interaction. If you do happen to get stuck on the walk amongst these poor desperate souls, just pull the classic “I suddenly have a really important phone call to make” move. Works every time.
Gia: There are true Gia customers, and then there’s everyone else, the people who for some reason are allowed in the doors. If your sweatpants aren’t sweat–free ornaments of cool, or if you even pause to consider accepting that oily roll, you’re the latter. Try to remember: it’s just chunks of food and room temperature lettuce chopped to your liking.
Huntsman Hall: The place named after the father of a Republican presidential candidate? Or the place where creativity goes to die, pant suits are the norm and rooms are numbered so that only those who “belong” can find their way around? Both! What the hell is a forum anyway?
Institute of Contemporary Art: Haven’t been to a museum since NSO at the PMA? You’re not alone. It’s, like, soooo far. But really, give your lazy–ass some culture and visit the ICA. Situated right on Penn’s campus, across from King’s Court, the ICA is cool, legit and free. Andy Warhol showed there… ever heard of him?
Jewniversity of Pennsylgaysia: Penn (like just about every other highbrow school) likes to talk about diversity. In reality, we’re a little more uniform than admissions would like us to think. When it comes to “minorities,” Penn’s pretty heavy on three: Jews, Asians and the LGBTs. Even the most vanilla of freshmen will be able to kvetch about the engineering curve and A–Gut’s video by the time they get home for Christmas.
Koja: Every time you go to a food truck that isn’t Koja, an angel gets its wings ripped off. We recommend the entire menu, especially the spicy tofu noodles and the jabchae. The owners may give you tea and/or an apple if you have to wait a while — which you will. But it’s worth it!
Logan Hall: If you ever hear this term tossed around by nostalgic College professors or sixth–year seniors, know that it refers to the building currently known as Claudia Cohen Hall. Around here, big donors can basically rename whatever they want, as long as the endowment benefits. Like even the Med School. So if your favorite building suddenly gets a new moniker, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Ms. Lois: It’s 8:45 a.m. on Friday, and you’re nursing a godawful hangover. The last place on earth you want to be is in Spanish 140. ¡Puto subjuntivo! You stop by Einstein for some coffee and a bagel, and you’re greeted with the most joyous, cheerful words in the English language: “Good morning, what can I get you, baby?” Those words belong to Ms. Lois, the ubiquitous face behind the counter at Einstein, de facto mayor of Houston Hall and a true Penn saint — making the world a better place for hungover students, one bursared bagel and smile at a time.
Netter Center: The Netter Center for Community Partnerships is the epicenter of all efforts connecting Penn to West Philadelphia. That’s right, Penn isn’t really the West Philadelphia your mom freaks out about. Want to talk about fruits and veggies with 3rd graders? See 50 murals about love on the Market Street line? Maybe even register for an Academically Based Community Service class (so that’s what ABCS means). You’ll get away from the campus bubble, and your GPA will thank you.
OCR: On–campus recruitment is like one giant themed frat party where boys wear oversized suits (just like in the good ol’ days of middle school bar mitzvahs) and girls do all their preliminary shopping at Anne Taylor Loft instead of American Apparel. Though such aesthetic indecency does result in full–time jobs by October, don’t be too jealous of these overambitious Whartonites; even the strongest of patronums can’t stave off this soul–sucking dementor.
Penn Park: Five years, 24 acres and $46,000,000 later, and there’s still no roller coaster. But at least the Philomathean Society will be playing human chess at the opening of Penn’s new recreational complex on 31st and Walnut. The big shebang is scheduled for September 17th, so be there or be in VP. The park advertises a state–of–the–art tennis center, softball stadium and fields for “formal and informal play” — well, we like the sound of that last one.
Quaker: Penn rarely gets back to its Quaker roots, so our dear old mascot holds a special place in our hearts. It’s a rite of passage to take an obligatory picture with the lovable yet oh–so–creepy puffy man. He looks like the Quaker Oats container, he dances like a Quaker girl and his smile never wavers. Grab him by the tush and hold on for dear life to his lapels (so dapper).
Rotunda: Though you may never think to visit the Rotunda, the venue brings legitimate talent for highly intimate shows. If you can brave the dirt and rumors of mice (we didn’t say it first), you’ll be rewarded with an unforgettable evening. You might leave five pounds lighter after some intense sweating, but the musical experience will be wholly worth it.
Shoutouts: Street's most wonderful, malicious way of telling your last fuck how he sweat through your sheets, your adorable Chinese professor how much you want to hug her and your roommate how glad you are that the mice ate through the crotches in all of her lacy underwear. We’ll start asking for Shoutouts in November and we print them in the last issue of the semester. Start thinking now so you can create a jab as good as this one: "To the JAPrinces of Penn: This is the only place where being short, bald and metrosexual is cool, so enjoy it while it lasts."
Toast: What once was a morning comfort is now an indistinguishable substitute for hard liquor — sort of. Ever since alcohol was banned from Franklin Field in the '70s, Penn administrators sleep soundly the night before a big game, knowing in their hearts that students take just as much pleasure tossing slices of burnt bread as they used to toasting highballs.
UTB: UnderTheButton.com — Read it, live it, love it. This daily blog, a counterpart to Street, is the complete guide to the ins–and–outs of campus which by now you’ve realized your peer advisor will never be. An informative, snarky and quick read, UTB is a bookmark on many Penn students' browsers. Check it out every morning and refresh it throughout the day, especially when you haven’t done the reading for your history class and no one’s commented on your new Facebook profile picture even though it’s been up for three days.
Vagelos: Think you’re smart? Yeah, we all do, or did, at least, until we came face–to–face with these dual–degree academic superstars whose schedules make us commoners feel like we’re enrolled in entirely separate universities. Bonus points for being some of the only people to make simple Whartonites feel inadequate. And more points if you’re Penn15 in the Vag.
Wawa: — the man, the myth, the legend. With two golden locations on campus, Wawa is Penn students’ go–to place for the fat and empty calories that get them through long, last–minute papers, and it’s the only place that will satisfy their cravings for the doughy delights that make up their obligatory pre–pre–game. Of course, nothing will satisfy more than the classic 2 a.m. mac–and–cheese run.
XCAT: The school’s creaking bureaucracy for approving classes taken while studying abroad. Or if you’re an unlucky soul trying to get transfer credit from another university. When the process for getting credit for a course becomes more difficult than the class itself, you may wonder why you didn’t just study in Bermuda: slightly more exotic than your school in Copenhagen, and their non–existent courses would have had the same academic value back in Philly.
Yiddish: If you’re the international sort, Penn has a world of languages you can choose (the pun was necessary)! Try your hand at legitimate and kinda–questionable languages alike, such as Tagalog, Old Egyptian, Judeo–Spanish and whatever Wolof is. You’d be meshugenah not to!
Zzzzz (in VP): We all do it. Just admit to it… or we’ll find you (see below). http://sleepinginvanpelt.tumblr.com/ (That's a real website.)
