JERUSALEM—After publishing a few opinion pieces in The Daily Pennsylvanian, College sophomore George Aaronow has stunned the world by bringing peace to the Levant.
Israelis and Palestinians alike rejoiced, linking arms and shouting to the heavens in rapturous jubilation upon reading George’s editorials. Inspired by his writing, Israeli and Palestinian officials quickly met and hammered out a peace agreement, instantly resolving long–standing grievances on both sides and healing all cultural rifts.
George is pleased—if unsurprised—that his work has forever changed the course of history. His secret?
“Well, I start out with an unappealing, extreme viewpoint. Ask Mr. Nuance to take the day off, you know what I mean?” he said. “Instead of making an argument, I try to accuse and lash out at people.”
Some, including Wharton management professor Dr. James Lingk, think George has broken new ground in conflict resolution.
“What he’s done, it’s incredible,” Dr. Lingk said. “Very few people would have thought to antagonize those on both sides of an issue in such a vitriolic manner. In light of his work, I think my field is going to have to reassess the social value of things like cutting lines, or yelling at people to get out of the way.”
Fortunately for the future of humanity, George was forthcoming with his now–signature style.
“Yeah, I try to use inflammatory rhetoric. It’s also good to have a parochial worldview but still talk down to people. Really gives people agita,” said George, who finally got around to watching “The Sopranos.” “Oh, and if people are sympathetic toward your opinions and actually do things to support your cause, you definitely want to dismiss their efforts and do your best to alienate them. That’s pretty tight.”
Many who know George are pleased to see him achieve so much. Ricky Roma, a roommate of George’s who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, notes that, “It was just a few weeks ago that he was posting political nonsense on his Facebook wall, and now, well—it just makes you think how much we could change the world if we all just worked ourselves up into an angry froth and spammed our friends with our political screeds.”
In addition to George’s friends, The Daily Pennsylvanian and Penn community at–large are proud to be associated with the polemic–cum–panacea.
“Honestly, we never expected this kind of result in a million years,” said Shelley “The Machine” Levene, an editor at The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Our editorial standards are very low. Normally, we just run this crap as click bait and never bat an eye.”
For George, this victory for planet Earth makes him remember the first time he was inspired to take action.
It happened at a local food truck, “Glengarry Falafels,” on 39th and Spruce streets. “I was ordering a falafel from the guy—Baylen, I think his name was—and he kept talking about some kind of intractable situation in the West Bank,” George said. “Finally, I said to him, ‘I’m not paying five bucks to listen to you talk, so just give me my food, asshole.’ But a little bit later, that got me thinking. Not too much, but, you know. And my best buds, John [Williamson] and Dave [Moss], they were both like, ‘You gotta write what you feel,’ so I did. And the rest is history, I suppose.”
At press time, Palestinians and Israelis were finalizing plans for a one–state solution and developing a hug–based currency. Meanwhile, George was taking time to reflect by doing what he does best: grinding axes and disappointing his parents.
