Lowbrow
Feng Shui the Penn Way
Tory Burch: A perfect princess deserves her pretty pink throne. But don’t let the bed fool you, innocence stops at the frills. Ben Franklin: “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” Ben clearly valued time spent in bed, making the perfect boudoir of utmost importance.
What Penn Alum Are You... In Bed?
Penn regurgitates some pretty impressive peeps, yo. You should aspire not only for their powers in the boardroom, but also their prowess in the bedroom.
Valentwitter
postulaTORY is avoiding her ex on V-Day who keeps attempting to win her back with insider-y references and stalker-like moves.
Rhyming Couplets
Kitchen closes at 6 pee em Then you say to customers: ahem ahem hem Metropolitan Bakery you are So close and yet so far Up Walnut Street I skip To have a tasty sip of your Peruvian drip Still scared am I to spill (Though it may be half the thrill) And though your bread may be old I’m just too hungry to scold
Ode to a WaWa Slushie/Ode from a WaWa Slushie
TO A WAWA SLUSHIE You are bounteous in icy composition Red 5, corn syrup — nothing but the best I crave you Cherry?
Food for Thought
I am sad. I am melancholy. You’d think I’d be sprightly. What, with my colorful combinations and my bittersweet rosemary balsamic honey mustard garb?
Shoutouts Fall 2008
To the assistant women’s soccer coach: If you serve it into my box, I’ll finish every time. To the KapSig who convinced a freshman to take it in the ass because “that’s what college girls do when they have their periods”: Why not just ask one of your brothers? To the girls with the stripper pole right by your window: Just know that we skip Shabbat dinner every week to watch your sexy Friday night show.
Amelia Bedelia-Cohen GOES TO PENN
I started the day off hungry, so I asked someone where I could get something to eat. They told me, "Try Houston!" I'm pretty sure they were messing with me though: Houston is so far away!
Fashion! Turn to the left! Fashion! Turn to the right! Fashion! Doooo!
We’ve supplied you with four celebrity heads, two anatomically correct bodies and a multitude of mix ’n’ match ensembles: a traditional all-denim Canadian tuxedo, Renaissance Fair couture and entry-level hipster gear.
Things You Might Confuse With Paganism
The Amish Mormons Feminists Farm hands People that eat at Qdoba Vegans Freegans (actually Pagans) The Real Le Ahn Daniel Radcliffe in Equus
Classifieds
For Sale: Large wooden wardrobe filled with cloaks — 3 cashmere, 1 velour. For Rent: Sacrificial gathering space.
Mortimer's Slaughterhouse
Your goblet overfloweth with frothy mead at this favorite polytheistic haunt. While you wait, enjoy hors d’oeuvres and h’orgies.
How To Keep Your Sex Life Alive When You Won't Be For Long!
Diabetes Things are different now that you regulate your own blood sugar. Always choose sugar-free whipped cream for your make-your-own-sundae fantasies.
Breaking News
AP Florida — The AIDS virus is spreading at an alarming rate in elderly resort communities in Delray Beach, sources say.
Old Balls, Loose Skin
Ladies and gentlemen, we are all going to get old. And annoying. Inevitably, as we age, our genitals will shrivel and our gender lines will blur.
