Lowbrow
Cigarettes... And What They Reveal About You
American Spirit: You just love the "rich, full-bodied" taste of this cig. Listening to Phish and playing hackey sack only seem to enhance the experience.
Too Late Shoutouts:
To the guy that bought all those screwdrivers at CVS: Whatcha gonna do with all those? To Ben Franklin: Your idea of a secularized university is ludicrous.
The Day the Coffee Day
Oh the poor writers. POOR, POOR, writers. Their plight seems to be never-ending; their struggle for 4 more cents on DVD sales really rivals that of the "Little Rock Nine." One can't understand their daily toil of getting up at noon, smoking a joint, cranking out ten pages of a script, napping, going out to a bar and then repeating it all again the next day.
Demands & Consequences
Demands: * A salary over $25,000 (yes, Wharton students we make as much in one year as you will make in 3 months) * Dental and 401(k) * 1 week paid vacation * A bonus that is NOT swag you got from The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards * Gas money * To be addressed by name.
Shoutouts Fall 2007
To the girl in my creative writing class who wrote her personal essay about how hard it is to be beautiful: Would it help if I told you that you're not actually that pretty?
Mr. Squirrel's Dream Interpretations
I had a dream. It involved two birds, a chipmunk, some Vaseline and a bottle of Goldschlager. Unfortunately for dreams, they don't come true.
Political Nightmares:
Nicolas Sarkozy: Realizes he's not quick, slick, nor is his neck as incredibly thick as Gaston's. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Senator Larry Craig in the Tehran Airport bathroom. Mitt Romney: Loses Republican nomination to Rudy Giuliani in a much publicized, highly contested tickle fight. Al Gore: Discovers that the new Toyota Hybrid runs on spotted owls. Kim Jong-il: Doesn't meet height requirement for Splash Mountain. Gordon Brown: Is not a crayon! Rick Santorum: Spice Girls reunion tour cancelled!!!! Nicolas Sarkozy: Realizes he's not quick, slick, nor is his neck as incredibly thick as Gaston's.
Your Guide to.
This weekend, hundreds of alums will be swarming campus, aching to relive their Penn experiences. Whether you are a freshman interested in hooking up with someone borderline too-old for you (unless you're fifteen, in which case, keep your mace handy!), a senior looking to relive your glory days as a freshman girl, or you've just plain run out of people to hook up with on campus, homecoming weekend is prime time to get some action.
Rooters
Today at the University of Pennsylvania, President Amy Gutmann revealed the direction of the university's newest fundraising campaign.
Things NOT to do when you drink at Homecoming
We all know the usual: don't drive, don't urinate in public, don't text. But during homecoming weekend there's a new set of "don'ts" to ensure you'll still have that alum interview for JP Morgan. DON'T Pet Alum's Babies: They might have furry hair and be on a leash, but it's scary to chase them down Locust. Steal Toast: There's no way to pull this one off stealthily.
A Creation Story
It is well known amongst the French Canadians how the world has come to be. I say this to you with all the sincerity in my heart and all the hope and love for everyone and everything in the world.
Goyim's Guide: Getting into Birthright
So maybe you aren't one of His chosen people, but that shouldn't stop you from getting a free trip to the holy land, right?
Guide to The PERFECT Last Supper
For the Host: Choose a theme: Figure out what you're going to celebrate ahead of time - Birthday? Anniversary?
Religious Fashion
The Fall/Winter trends are no longer reserved for secular students! Here's how you chosen ones can update your B.C.
Excerpt from an actual conversation between Dr. Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google and smarterchild
GoogleMan24: Hi. smarterchild: Glad to see you again, Eric. We haven't chatted in over a week. Hope you've been well. GoogleMan24: I've been great, smarterchild, everything at Google is fantastic.
'Google-abulary'!
WATCH OUT! Google is about to infiltrate your vocabulary - or should we say your 'Google-abulary'! Sing it out loud: "Ain't no google like a west coast google 'cuz a west coast google don't stop!" Sum up your thoughts: "So I was at this party, I met a guy and google, google, google, I'm four months pregnant." Laugh with friends: "Oh my god, I think Tom just googled his pants." Express your emotions: "And then he just shot his wad of google all over my FACE!" Describe your deepest desires: "I'm so high I could eat a googlePLEX of that beef jerky." Announce your anger: "Stop eating all the beef jerky before I google slap you across your mouth!" Mourn the loss of a loved one: "I can't believe College Pizza is gone.
Why working for Google is the best decision you'll ever make
1. You can bring your dog to work, even if it's ugly. 2. You're never more than 100 ft. from a snack. 3.
An Open Letter from Google
Dear Googlers, Seriously guys, what the fuck? You punks disgust me, you sick group of morally depraved sociopaths.
