We here at Street realize that being at college can get a little difficult at times.Without your mommy to pack you a PB&J sandwich and wipe your ass, the task of living an independent life can seem a little daunting. So, we've brought in an expert to answer some of your questions--a strong man, a smart man and a man who stops to smell the poontang in the morning.
Dear LL Cool J:
I still haven't learned how to wipe my ass. Can you help me?
--Brown Spot Bobby
Dear Bobby:
All right, listen, G, here's what you gotta do. You see, I never learned to wipe my ass either, so I have some fine ass ladies rub scented lotion on my butt, and then I light some candles, take some ice out of the freezer and slide it down their bellies with my lips and tongue, doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well. Ladies love that. And the Cool James.
Dear LL:
I have this problem. You see, this girl lives next to me, and we've hooked up a few times and I can't remember her name. What should I do?
--Daddy Mac
Mac:
I suggest getting a cool bottle of champagne and throwing her down on a bed of rose petals and leaving her so breathless that she won't be able to ask you if you know her name. If that doesn't work, try a little bit of role playing. You can be King Mustafa and she can be Queen Shalala. Go out and get a tiger rug and a bunch of frozen grapes. Oooh, yeah.
Dear LL:
What's the proper protocol for the first time you're with someone?
--Cautious Cathy
Dear Cathy:
You see, my fine curvaceous, smacking lips like to play a different tune on every instrument. I can flow like a honey stream up and down your back; I can hum like a bee in your nectar. Sometimes, I like to a take a lady up to my penthouse and give her a rubdown, complete with lotions and oils and all that yum yum shit. Then we take it back to where it all began: in my pants. Baby, I'm so smooth.
Dear LL:
I'm failing all of my classes no matter how hard I study. I need your help.
--2.5 Diane
Diane:
I don't know about you, but nothing makes my day like a nice, hot bubble bath and a couple of ladies. Don't worry about your grades; they'll be all good once you've got your mind in the right place. And your mind is in the right place when it's on me, dripping with Nestle's chocolate sauce and biting on a maraschino cherry. Baby, I'll leave you wetter than August in New Orleans.
