Just think of all the men who supported Penn woman Candice Bergen on her way to academic failure and dramatic mediocrity. There are millions of stories like hers: for every woman trying to succeed in this cruel world, there are the forgotten good men standing behind her, always ready to open a stuck jar of mayonnaise. We salute all of you, proud Penn men:
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Founded the University of Pennsylvania in addition to inventing bifocals and creating the city's public library.
DONALD TRUMP: Generously rids American senior centers of excess quarters and free time. Well known for having generously supported many a woman.
STEVE WYNN: Gambling mogul continuing to live in the shadow of rival Trump.
NOAH CHOMSKY: Wrote a few books and thinks really well about stuff.
RON PERELMAN: Cosmetics magnate and wealthy white guy, former husband of gossip maven (and DP alum) Claudia Cohen. Now married to Ellen Barkin.
ED RENDELL: New Yorker who came to Penn during the dark days and found something to like about Philadelphia. Two-term mayor credited with the revitalization of Center City and shiny toilets in City Hall.
WALTER ANNENBERG: Another rich white guy who gives the university serious amounts of cash. Also gave enough money to USC so that it is now ranked with regional universities, instead of community colleges.
MARC PLATT: Creates movies. Sold out to Universal, big time.
LAURENCE SHIEKMAN: Philadelphia superlawyer, most remembered for hiring a Street editor for summer employment.
PAUL MANION: Former Scubbin' editor known for explicit conversations concerning the yogurt box and frequent nudity. Current whereabouts unknown.
EDMUND SAFRA: Banking legend who accumulated a net worth of over $3 billion before his untimely death.
HAROLD PRINCE: Respected stage legend. Namesake of one of the only theaters on Chestnut Street that doesn't feature porn.
TOM WOLFE: Prolific author and Master of the Universe who criticized 1980s lifestyles. He held the greatest contempt for Wall Street bond traders, disillusioned lawyers and pop wonder Debbie Gibson.
MELVIN HAMMARBERG: Current Penn professor deemed to be the world expert on Mormons. Had the foresight to study such an obscure topic that he couldn't be let go.
LEONARD GOLDBERG: Gave us Charlie's Angels the original. Need I say more?
AHMED ZEWAIL: Won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry in addition to PBS's new special Temptation Laboratories where scientists are placed with sultry assistants and fun party games involving a Bunsen burner and a test tube.
LOUIS I. KAHN: Architect we have to thank for those crazy science buildings by the biopond.
