Voice: Wacko Jacko

Ah, Michael Jackson: once the King of Pop, now a tired joke who looks barely human and has no problem admitting that he sleeps with little kids. Sure, he's clearly fucked in the head, but since when did we have compunctions about making fun of people who can't defend themselves? Here, for your pleasure, is the 34th Street Michael Jackson drinking game, soon to be a hit on all your friends' AOL Instant Messenger profiles. How to play: Watch one of the specials on Michael Jackson that VH1 plays every hour on the hour. -- Anytime he mentions sleeping innocently with children, take a Blowjob shot: Have someone pour 1/2 a shot of Grand Marnier into your mouth, then 1/2 a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream. Top with whipped cream, close your mouth, shake and drink. -- Anytime a piece of his face falls off: Shotgun a beer. Boot (into the trash can, please) and rally. -- Anytime he mentions Tatum O'Neal, Lisa Marie Presley, Debbie Rowe or discusses sexual relations of any kind, make yourself a Hairy Virgin: Fill a tumbler half way with ice cubes, pour in 2 ounces light rum, 1 ounce triple sec and 2 ounces pineapple juice. Stir, and garnish with a maraschino cherry. -- Anytime he refers to himself as a black man, or mentions his vitilego, make yourself a White Ghost: Blend together until smooth one ounce of Frangelico, 1/2 ounce of Chambord, 1/2 ounce of white crŠme de cacao, and two ounces heavy cream. Pour into chilled glass, garnish with raspberries. -- Anytime you remember how good he used to be, make yourself a Pain Killer: Pour 1 ounce dark rum over ice into glass. Add 2 ounces orange juice, 1 ounce pineapple juice and 1 tablespoon coconut cream. Top with 1 pinch nutmeg. -- And finally, anytime you realize just how sick you are for making fun of someone who is so clearly not in touch with reality, go home and listen to "We are the World"