Evelyn Keyser: In Profile
Philadelphia International Airport
8800 Essington Avenue
All week, 24 hours, Free
(215) 937-6800
The last time I went to an airport FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE of seeing a sculpture was quite some time ago. Nevertheless, I think it's only proper to reinvigorate said tradition with Evelyn Keyser. I love her rolls. Kaiser rolls. Wait, that's wrong. Well, I think it's only fair to tell you that I prefer poppy-seed bagels to Kaiser rolls when choosing a sandwich medium. I know you like bread. Hey, everybody's different.
Jimmy Clark: Shards of the Wissahickon
Philadelphia International Airport
8800 Essington Avenue
All week, 24 hours, Free
(215) 937-6800
Jimmy Clark incorporates shards from Wissahickon Valley into his pottery work. I used to apply a similar technique to my own hobbies, only I used baseball bats rather than shards, and mailboxes were my vessels. Looking back on it, I was an amazing artist. There's really no point in going to see this when I will be doing something far more groundbreaking in a few short years. I mean, go if you must, but don't say I didn't tell you so when you come to my opening and look back on this shard shit as a waste of your time.
Brian Pinkney
University of the Arts - Richard C. Von Hass Illustration Gallery
333 S. Broad Street
Seventh Floor
All week, 8:30 a.m.-1 p.m., Free
(215) 717-6240
Brian, your last name reminds me of pinky. This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy went home. This little piggy had roast beef. This little piggy had none. This little piggy cried, "Wee wee wee" all the way home. See, Brian, you made me think back to about ten minutes ago when my mommy did that to me. I am so brutally ashamed of myself and you for reminding me of what I really am. Five.
Leah Macdonald: New Work
ArtForms Galleries Manayunk
106 Levering Street
All week, 12 p.m.-5 p.m., Free
(215) 483-3030
Oh Leah, you are so beautiful, and I love you. You may be a Macdonald, but you'll always be a German goddess to me. How your works of art make me want to kiss you. How your sweet lips make me want to eat you. How your underwear makes me want to consume your very presence. By "New Work" do you mean I'm a piece of work? Oh yes I am baby! Can you handle it? You betcha.
Finger Paint With Pudding
Please Touch Museum
210 N. 21st St.
Through Sat, 2 p.m., $8.95
(215) 963-0666
http://www.pleasetouchmuseum.org
It is high time for an ode to nature's ambrosial candy that only should come in $240 quantities. Oh how I love you, what with your esculent tastiness and semi-solid texture. You truly are unique, as you manage to provide sweet sugar and come in such an array of flavors. I can never decide if I prefer vanilla or banana more, but in my eyes, they are both winners. I cannot give enough encomiums to this blunderingly underrated food... nay, food group. If only people tasted more like pudding, the world would be a better place.
From The Horse's Mouth
Painted Bride Art Center
230 Vine Street
Through Sat, 8 p.m., $20
(215) 925-9914
http://www.paintedbride.org
Everyone knows Mr. Ed was a talking horse. He's old glue-factory news now, though. This is now the day and age of a new loquacious horse, named Sir Fluff-fluff. Having just reached maturity, he's having a gay old time spreading his progeny out on the stud farm. When he's not doing that, however, he likes to garrulously chatter on and on about his interest in Kantian moralist philosophy. Don't disagree with Sir Fluff-fluff, however, or else he'll strangle you with his gargantuan endowment.
Animal Images: Real or Imaginary
The Plastic Club
247 South Camac Street
Sat, 1 p.m.-4 p.m., Free
(215) 545-9324
Sometimes when I'm walking down the street I see people walking their dogs. I usually can't decide if they are real or imaginary dogs. The dilemma really takes on massive proportions when I can't decide if my own cat is real or not. Looks like a cat. Smells like a cat. Tastes like a cat. It must be a cat. Or is it? You can just imagine how problematic this becomes when I'm attacked by ants.
Cooking Calculations
Please Touch Museum
210 N. 21st Street
Sat, 10 a.m., $8.95
(215) 963-0666
Did you know that cooking is really a bunch of chemical reactions? Bam, kick it up a notch. Perhaps the reason so many Americans are fat is their inability to calculate their cooking. What fools these mortals be. Good thing I am immortal. Take that, aging -- you bastard. But a little pudge can go a long way when it comes to surviving on a desert island for a month without food. I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
Broadway GaY Bingo
Gershman Y
401 South Broad St.
Sat, 6 p.m. / 9 p.m., $15
(215) 545-4400
Hey boys! If straight bingo was just a little too boring, you might want to try it in a new flavor. Gay bingo promises all the fun, grids and blackouts of original straight bingo, but with added features like manicures, Armani ties and bingo cards shaped like a penis. Yeah, baby. This event is actually a fundraiser, so besides your carnal desires, there is a moral incentive to attend. Goooo Boys!
Mythic Visions: Yarn Paintings of Huichol Shaman
University of Pennsylvania Museum of Archaeology & Anthropology
3260 South Street
Through Sun, 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m., Free with PennCard
(215) 898-4000
Oh, I'll spin you a yarn. I remember a time when old Shaman was so boofy-blitzed that he started clawing up the carpets. He was hitting on the fat chick at the party after far too much fire water and that's when things got really messy. Huichol was like, "Dude, she totally wants me." And I was all like, "Dude, you are talking to a Buddha statue in Penn's Anthro museum." That's when he undid his sweater and started painting. Ah, how I love a good romance story -- especially one with such an unpredictable plot.
Emily Brown: Large Lush Brush Drawings
Gallery Joe
302 Arch Street
Wed, 12 p.m.-5:30 p.m.,Free
(215) 592-7792
Call me a sicko, but when I first saw Emily's brown bush drawings, I thought it said brush. Yeah, that was silly of me. It would be far too much to expect for someone to paint with a brush. Luckily we all know that could not possibly be the case. It was large, lush bush. Like George, our daft el Presidente. You guessed it, boys. Bush, not brush will be the sole object for display. Aren't all women objects? You answered my own question.
Defending the Caveman - National Tour
Merriam Theater at the University of the Arts
250 S. Broad Street
Through Nov. 23, 8 p.m., $39.75-$44.75
(215) 732-5446
I'm somewhat confused by what you mean by "caveman" because I've been studying prehistoric man for quite some time now. I'm glad that someone is finally defending my boy. I vaguely remember a movie about a caveman and Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser. And by remember I mean try to forget, and by vaguely I mean I was stoned at the time. I hate both of them and hope that they rot in Hollywood in their fancy automobiles with their expensive hookers.
Urinetown
Academy of Music
Broad and Locust Street
Through Sun, 8:00 p.m., $25-$85
(215) 893-1935
http://www.academyofmusic.org
This is a musical about a dystopia where people have to pay to go number one. I once wrote a play about people who cannot go number two, called Constipated Times at Poopy High. It's an epic tale involving a leprechaun, a chimpanzee and lots of cheese. Both plays are truly postmodern masterpieces, incorporating a myriad of influences in a lovely bricolage of human waste.
The Blow
First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut Street
Thu, 7:30 p.m., $7
(800) 594-TIXX
http://www.r5productions.com
Well blow me down (god, I am clever), this little indie pop performance is sure to win your heart. Complete with catchy song structures and minimalistic background tracks, Khaela Marlich -- who used to record albums under the title "Get the Hell Out of the Way of the Volcano" -- has evolved into quite an adept songstress. If you're a fan of groups like Pedro The Lion or Aimee Mann, you won't be dissapointed by The Blow.
Coyote
The Khyber
56 S. Second Street
Thu, 9 p.m., $8
(215) 238-5888
http://www.thekhyber.com
I've always mulled releasing a pack of ravenously rabid coyotes down Locust Walk. They would start off at the bridge over 38th and eventually make their way down to Franklin Field. Some coyotes would probably not make it far past Huntsman, as they would assiduously gormandize the internal organs of MBA students. Others would not be distracted, however, and would go after the metros, a cappella kids, and tools with their collars flipped up. Incidentally, I wonder what detergent best removes bloodstains from North Face jackets?
Killer Love Transplant
Grape Street Pub
105 Grape Street
Thu, 9:00 p.m., $5
(215) 483-7084
These three guys are a new garage band with some enjoyable tracks on their first album. Enjoyable, not incredible. Not like Sugar Ray, for whom the passion I feel is strong enough to make me take part in a killer love transplant. I would rip out my heart and place it in Mark McGrath's body just so he could feel how hard it beats for him. I would donate anywhere from one to five of my organs just to be in the presence of such a musical genius.
Denali / Telefon Tel Aviv
First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut Street
Thu, 7:30 p.m., $7
(800) 594-TIXX
http://www.r5productions.com
Denali are fast becoming one of the most ambitious bands in indie rock. Dabbling in a variety of different musical styles, from post-punk to trip hop to disco, they refuse to let themselves get pigeonholed into one particular genre. The vocals are a particular standout, though. Maura Davis, who is a classically trained musician, adds a fantastic dimension to the band. Also worth checking out at this show is the dreamy and soothing ambient duo Telefon Tel Aviv, who have worked with everyone from Eminem to Nine Inch Nails.
Benja Styles Spins
Lucy's Hat Shop
247 Market Street
Fri, 9 p.m., Free
(215) 413-1433
Benjy was my first puppy. He was so cute and furry and lovable. Actually, I remember Benjy was actually an alligator. And I only recall that vaguely. He bit off both my legs and disheveled my entire bedroom and my Barbie collection. I am a boy. So that was weird in and of itself. But, yeah, I guess he wasn't any of those things I already said. My mom is taking me for counseling soon, because she says I make some things up. It was just a fib mommy. I really did burn down our home.
Loop
The Whiskey Tango Tavern
14000 Bustleton Avenue
Fri, 10 p.m., $5
(215) 671-9234
The thing about a band named Loop is that they have the rare opportunity of making shirts that look like Hooters shirts, what with the double "O" and all. Oh... oh... so that could be a lot of fun, until that guy with the white man's fro, ambiguous sexual orientation and his crack showing all the time buys the shirt and starts wearing it every day. Then it takes on a whole other meaning, and for some reason you also start feeling sexually confused when you sport it.
Le Tigre / Out Hud / Aspera
Trocadero
1003 Arch Street
Sat, 8 p.m., $14
(215) 922-LIVE
http://www.thetroc.com
No one likes man-hating women's libbers -- or feminazis, for Rush fans -- unless they can play pants-stealing guitar rock. Former Bikini Kill front woman, Kathleen Hanna, leads the Riot Grrrls of Le Tigre. This political punk is juxtaposed with fun electronic quirks that will make hipsters eschew their stoic show-stances in favor of retro jigging fun. With such captivating songs as "Decaptacon" and the screamo-tasticly delicious "My Art" from their 2001 album, Feminist Sweepstakes, the only excuse to miss this show is if you're lying dead in a sewer next to Jimmy Hoffa.
The End
First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut Street
Sat, 3 p.m., $8
(800) 594-TIXX
http://www.r5productions.com
So this band advertises on their mp3.com page that, "If God existed, this would be the sound of his asphyxiation." I mean, holy crap, that is a fucking bold statement to make -- disturbing and and somewhat nonsensical, but ballsy nonetheless. So one can imagine that as I curiously clicked the song link, I expected nothingless than my computer speakers exploding in a hail of hellfire and the blood of non-Christians. Well, what I got really just sounded like Coalesce mixed with a little bit of John Zorn. All you metal fans are probably just better off saving your money for the next Dillinger Escape Plan tour.
From Ashes Rise
First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut Street
Sun, 2 p.m., $7
(800) 594-TIXX
http://www.r5productions.com
Straight out of Nashville, the thunderous From Ashes Rise are tearing up venues again to the delight of several intelligent hardcore kids. A few years ago one would have been hard pressed to use the words "exciting" or "dynamic" to describe the majority of the hardcore acts around. The climate has definitely altered quite alot since the metalcore mid-nineties, and a lot of that credit is due to bands like From Ashes Rise, who forged a thrash-punk path through all the bullshit that several follow today. From Ashes Rise are essential listening for any fan of heavy music.
Akrobatik / Cage / High and Mighty
Theatre of Living Arts
334 South Street
Mon, 8 p.m., $15
(215) 922-1011
http://www.theateroflivingarts.net
If you are not blessed to be from the Bean, you might not be aware of one the most eloquent lyricists in hip hop today, Akrobatik. The Boston-bred artist started his career with the underground hit "Internet MCs" and since then has built up a name for himself touring throughout the states and Europe. However, Akrobatik's strength lies in his clever and stylish freestyles which display his virtuosity. Akrobatik will find a way to link current events, pick-up lines, and the slogan on your t-shirt all in one phrase. And he'll make it rhyme too.
Ted Gerike Piano Happy Hour
Chris' Jazz Caf‚
1421 Sansom Street
Wed, 5 p.m.-8 p.m., Free
(215) 568-3131
Ted Gerike has a horrible last name. It doesn't roll off the tongue. It isn't hot and sexy like Depp, as in Johnny, or Pitt, as in Brad. Or, DiCaprio, as in, what a hunk. He's so dreamy. But with a name like Ted, he's got to get all the chicks. Plus he plays the piano, and that isn't very funny, much like this guide. But go see this because you know you want to.
