WORST BYO TO GET ROWDY Loser: Beijing

The only advantage to this pseudo-Chinese freshman hotspot is its proximity to campus. Other than that, your BYO experience will be less than ideal, amidst judgmental glares from waitstaff and an 11 p.m. (strictly enforced) closing time. Just as your buzz turns into drunk, the check is placed on your table when the clock strikes eleven. Time to go. But you’re only halfway through your box of Franzia (which you’ve been drinking in small glasses you had to request multiple times). It’s barely even time to go out yet! Also, did we mention it’s a freshman hotspot?

WORST WEST PHILLY COFFEE SHOP Loser: McClelland Hall

Best of Penn features the illest coffee shops in and around University City, but we asked you to vote for worst on-campus café (by extension, worst West Philly coffee shops). McClelland took the grand prize, as this newly renovated “dining hall” in Ware in the Quad totally sucks. It can be slightly advantageous to Quad dwellers in need of a hangover remedy, but overall, everyone wishes this Bon Appetit institution would say bon voyage.  As far as the coffee, it’s the same mediocre brew you see in Houston or Commons – no variety, no satisfaction.

WORST PLACE TO NAP Loser: Ben Franklin Bench

Our famously boozy founder surely loved his fair share of naps, but even Benny stays sitting up 24/7 at his famous bench. So if you’re feeling sleepy for whatever reason, make it to your bed––or at least a library lounge. Your votes decided this very public campus staple would be the last place to catch some ZZZs. Plus, the tourists and touring will all want your spot for selfies amidst urine.

WORST CAMPUS WIFI Loser: AirPennNet

The promise of wireless internet anytime, anywhere may be a first–world luxury, but at Penn, it’s relied on heavily. It’s no secret that Penn kids like to keep busy (and to compare stress–loads with other Penn kids). Managing an over–packed Google Calendar on the go, submitting writing seminar blog posts moments before they’re due, and checking Facebook regularly all require infallible WiFi. This is not, however, a word that can be applied to good ol’ AirPennNet. Neither is “helpful” a good descriptor for AirPennNet–Help. Bouts of disconnected and un–reconnectable WiFi occur at crucial times, from deadlines to extreme boredom. Whether you're in class and can’t access the Powerpoint you emailed yourself or stuck in class and can’t un–tag the newest batch of incriminating spring break photos, not having WiFi inspires panic. Unless Penn is trying to send us a message (go outside, detach from your electronics, etc.) it needs to step up its WiFi game.

––Nicole Malick

WORST TYPE OF CLASS Loser: Lectureminar

It was labeled as a lecture on Penn InTouch, so you walked in on the first day of class, laptop in tote, ready to anonymously send some emails. Later in the semester, skipping will be no biggie, right? WRONG. This approximately 40–person class is really a seminar masquerading as a lecture, or, as it shall be henceforth known, the lectureminar. Your professor knows everyone’s name in this awkwardly–sized class, where student participation is a daily expectation. You’re not sitting around a table in the Kelly Writer’s House, though. This is a laptop–free, 80–minute assault on your sanity. On the first day, your instructor sweetly remarks that “some might teach this as a basic lecture, but I want to discuss each reading together as a class community.” Your one anonymous lecture was a deception all along, and the over–participating professor’s pets have already emerged.

––Ben Lerner

WORST FLOOR OF VAN PELT Loser: Third Floor

Two midterms tomorrow, a problem set and a paper due at midnight––you head up to the third floor for a serious night of work. You take your seat of choice at an empty table, spread out your stacks of notes, insert your headphones and begin your productive night. Sitting there, smiling in satisfaction at the thought of your friends in the “not–conducive–for–work–social–club” (Rosenparty), your adored third floor starts to go bad. The two girls at the table next to you seem to think your quiet study area is the appropriate place to Facebook stalk future date night setups––maybe your thoughts on Sam’s desirability as an escort despite his new less–than–desirable haircut would be of help. The frat invasion of the third floor soon follows, quickly solidifying their presence, inhabiting every available space. Naturally, the brothers begin a systematic, and disruptive, distribution of snacks. You then realize your computer is about to die, but in the center of the room all outlets are out of your reach.  In need of some reprieve, you take a trip to the bathroom to only meet a sign: “Sink Not Working.” Defeated, you move on to door number two to find “Toilet Does Not Flush.” By now completely deflected, questioning your initial self–satisfaction with your location choice, you return to your now–crowded table to attempt the impossible––productivity. No sooner do you sit down than the 11:50 blackout arrives. Once you regain your sight, you leave in a rage, only to meet the same fate once again tomorrow night.

––Jacklyn Kornstein

WORST PLACE TO RUN INTO LAST NIGHT’S DFMO Loser: Solo-cust Walk

Unlike basically any other time where you could pretend like you don’t see him/her, this situation is absolutely UNAVOIDABLE. (At Pottruck? Way too into your workout to even notice. In class? A diligent student like you doesn’t look up from your notes. Ever.) Imagine the scenario: you seem to be the only one walking down Locust late afternoon, but about 20 feet away you spot him/her. There is no one in front of or behind you, and

you panic and take out your phone. Should I give him/her a nod? A wave? Pretend like I don’t remember? Does he/she even remember? Where are all those damn flyerers when you need them?! I can’t have been texting this long, right? Seconds feel like minutes that probably end in some kind of awkward half–smile... if you dare. You’ve never wished to see a screaming vagina, rabbis handing out matzah or relentless boa–wearing comedians more.

––Alexandra Friedman

WORST DINING HALL Winner: 1920 Commons

There's a reason why GrubHub and the chain restaurants on Walnut between 39th and 40th get so much action. Penn's dining situation has been steadily improving in the past few years (or trying to) but really, that's not saying much. But everyone knows 1920 Nommons takes the cake in this category. Don't be fooled by the shiny new Starbucks and impressively organic marketplace. Venture up the stairs and you'll wish you hadn't. From the questionable sandwich meat and understocked salad bar, a Commons dinner usually ends up with french fries or pizza...again. Plus, Commons fast food isn't even the worthy kind of calorie cheating for all the summer bod dieters out there. You may also need the ice cream station to drown your sorrows when your fellow diners ravenously cut you in line. Somewhere upwards of Houston on campus should be feeding Penn's meal plan holders decently!

––Sophia Fischler-Gottfried

WORST THING TO DEAL WITH WHEN YOU’RE SICK Loser: Walk to SHS

Whose idea was it not to put “Student Health Services” on Penn’s campus? Are you sure this isn’t Drexel’s SHS? Because as if I didn’t already feel completely awful, walking eight blocks should really do the trick. As you tell yourself “I’m almost there, right?” you realize that it’s on MARKET street, and while you may be on 36th, you’re also on Spruce. And you feel so sick that you can’t even stop at Lyn’s for breakfast. But you’re right, SHS, it’s probably good for me to work up a sweat on my way to get a strep test. And I’m sure the people who work in the office building love being trapped in an elevator with a bunch of wheezing college students. BONUS: After waiting 2 hours in the office, you get to walk back.

— Alexandra Friedman

WORST ALCOHOL TO BRING TO A BYO Loser: Banker’s

What completes a nice dinner out with your friends more than a drink? Is an alcohol–free dinner in Philly even an option? Although you are a group of twenty–one year olds (obviously), you decide to go the BYO route.  Before even opening the menu you place down the paper bags and confidently reveal the goods as everyone watches on in excitement. What better to wash down your pasta primavera (or worse, chicken tikka masala) than a nice glass of… Bankers? Efficiency beats quality, so even Franzia wasn’t worth it tonight. Although you may be seated at a “nice” restaurant downtown dressed in your finest, the universally hated drink of choice somehow makes an appearance. Maybe next time you should splurge on the Carlo Rossi.

––Jacklyn Kornstein

WORST PLACE TO TAKE A DATE ON CAMPUS Loser: Taco Bell

The food court at 34th Street and Walnut is the hellhole of all fast food extravaganzas, far away from Penn's usual seen-to-be-seen scenes. If you're being taken to a date to Taco Bell, sober, on a weekend, you're better off purchasing a pre-packaged sandwich at Starbucks next door. If this is your date's budget alternative, Jimmy John may be the better man for you. There is a direct correlation between money invested and heart invested, so prepare emotionally and mentally for a three-course meal for a whopping $10 each. Start off the date with some crunch (crusty) nachos, getting a mouthful of beef, beans, cheese, tomatoes all held together by sour cream on freshly toasted chips from two days ago. The main dish with your main boo is the Cheesy Gordita Crunch, your heart melting, for better or for worse, at the sight of the melted three-cheese blend. You don't know what's worse, the taste or the amount of calories. Finally, you know the old saying: dessert is best served in a paper box package. Order those churros, guaranteed to be served warm-- whether that's fresh off the oven or hot off the microwave. Think outside the bun, and get the hell out of there.

––Donna Hahn