These past few weeks, we entrusted you with a difficult task: name the most influential/ notorious/whatever members of the senior class. You voted; we tallied. You campaigned; we noticed. You messaged our Facebook accounts; we ignored you.
And now, the wait is over. You, the readers, have spoken. So without further ado, Street presents the Class of 2015 Senior Superlatives.
Eat your fucking hearts out.
Cutest Couple: Lena Backe & Wyatt Shapiro
Let’s all try not to be bitter for the next few sentences. While many at Penn bemoan being single, some couples are just so goddamn cute that it’s hard to be salty. Just look at their (many) profile pictures together: it is definitely love. From jamming out with Mask and Wig, to hiking national trails, to jetsetting off to San Francisco, these two have some awesome passions (obviously aside from each other). For this AXO and Sphinge, love isn’t just great, it’s the cutest. Now let's all barf together.
Most Likely to Start a Revolution: Dawn Androphy
Dawn Androphy waits for no man. When she isn’t busy running the Lambda Alliance, she’s producing the Vagina Monologues or laughing it up at a Carriage soiree or writing a thesis on queer history. Dawn won’t hesitate to tell you when she thinks you’re wrong about something, no matter if you’re a stranger, or a close friend, or a vice–provost. And she’s right every time. When the final battle against the patriarchy begins, look for Dawn on the front lines, leading the charge with a policy paper in one hand and a bullhorn in the other.
Best House: Loco (4032 Locust)
The PennQuest senior ladies of Loco took a leap of faith junior year and decided to live together, and things couldn’t have gone more right. You’ve probably walked past their humble abode at 40th and Locust—they’ve got an open door policy for friends, friends of friends and the occasional confused freshman. With a tradition of Whiskey Wednesdays and wild shindigs, this home sweet home has a whole lotta spirit. While the name is partially a pun on Locust, the four friends are all proudly a little, well…loco.
Biggest Pre-NSO Freshman Friender: Kiara Vaughn
Whoever said you couldn’t have more than one best friend clearly hasn’t met Kiara Vaughn. This bubbly Disney A Cappella star from the Bronx made it her mission to friend all 2,500 members of the Class of 2015 before school even started. She even wrote “Congrats!” and “Good luck!” on Facebook walls and status updates. Some say that Kiara’s friend request made them feel more like a Penn student than the actual acceptance letter. So why did you un–friend all of us?
Most likely to never miss Kweder: Valerie Cohen
For this Hex and Engineer Without Borders, there is only one place to be Tuesday night: at the feet of the greatest musician of all time, Kenn Kweder. It’s not uncommon to walk into Smoke’s and see Val on stage, shouting the words to all the classics from the American songbook. Rest assured that if Val doesn’t marry Kweder, she will definitely have him as the musical guest at her wedding. Mazel tov, muthafuckas!
Most Likely to Wear Google Glass at His Wedding: Matthew Gibstein
Matt Gibstein's resume reads more like a Business Insider list of "Coolest Places to Work" than it does a record of a college student's summer escapades. Name a Silicon Valley office with nap pods and we promise Matt's been there, interviewed there and probably been offered the job of CEO there. In fact, this Dorm Room Fund partner trekked out to the West Coast 4 times in a month this OCR season. And all the travel paid off—he'll be sporting techy–tees and Google Glass when he starts work at Facebook in September.
Future Commencement Speaker: Ariel Koren
If there's anyone who can spit some wisdom down on hungover graduates, it's Ariel. As class president, Sphinge, Vagina Monologues cast member, Google summer intern, Penn Chinese theater actress (we'll stop here in the interest of space), Ariel has enough material to write a speech that pleases bored younger siblings and stuffy grandparents alike. Did we mention she also speaks seven different languages? Who doesn’t want a speaker that can do a handstand and rap in Chinese? It's been years since Penn had a female commencement speaker—nobody's a better choice than Ariel.
Most Likely to EGOT: Swaroop Rao
Sorry, posers: award–winning soloist and president of Counterparts a cappella Swaroop “Swoops” Rao has already got the EGOT on lock. This soprano has the voice of a classically–trained angel, so we’re predicting she goes platinum and snags her first Grammy within a year of graduating (no pressure). Following that, she’ll get stunt–casted in your favorite TV show, for which she’ll win an Outstanding Guest Emmy. Her vocal swooperpower will later lift her to the heights of the big screen, where she’ll write, produce and perform the Oscar–winning Best Original Song which will be so much better than “Let it Go.” She’ll close out her career doing what any superbly–talented human does—heading to Broadway to snag a Tony, thus completing her EGOT quest and cementing her as the most gifted performer on the planet.
Most Likely to Be an Instagram Celebrity: Amanda Shulman
Foodgrams are routine for Amanda Shulman (@stayhungree), the Spoon University Editor–in–Chief better known around campus as “Hungree Girl.” Her Instagram philosophy is #nofilter—instead, she manually edits because “cheese should never look neon.” Her most liked gram was a French onion soup grilled cheese with over 550 likes. She hopes her pictures would attract customers to a future restaurant. Is it too early to make a reservation?
Best Exes: Amanda Berman & Evan Deahl
Breaking up is hard to do, and we salute these good sports for even showing up for the picture. The Chicago natives got together the first day of NSO—yes, they were “that couple”—and shared nearly two years of love before splitting sophomore year. But what makes them the best? While the TriDelt nurse and Pikapp stud may have called it quits, they still maintain a cordial relationship with each other and are even Facebook friends again.
Sexiest MoFos: Sarah Lindstedt and Wyatt Shapiro
The two sexiest members of the senior class have more in common than defined cheekbones and great legs—they’re also musical. Sarah is a member of the Samba ensemble and the musical director for Penny Loafers, while Wyatt leads and plays trombone for the Mask & Wig Band. Is that the secret to beauty? Musicality? Rhythm? Chops? One thing’s for sure: this Palos Verdes beauty and D.C. hottie make our hearts go BOOM CLAP.
Class Clown: Nathan Fleetwood
This writer can attest to nearly peeing her pants several times in the presence of Nathan “FleetClown” Fleetwood, a Kappa Sig southern gent from Nashville. Whether he’s playing the organ at a West Philly church at 6 a.m. or running himself an aromatherapy bath in a Montreal AirBNB, this MGMT 100 TA lives for the laughs. And the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree: Nathan’s mother is actually a professional clown. We can only imagine what a family dinner is like.
Next Wolf of Wall Street: Bharat Ganju
Bharat works hards and plays hard, and it pays off. He’s always on Locust, at Smoke's or in Pottruck–it seems like there isn’t a soul on campus who hasn’t met him. Maybe that’s because of his "catchy" campaign slogan, “It’s Barack with a T,” which carried him through four years as SAS Class Chair. When the school year ends, Bharat’s taking his talents to (ahem) a certain Wall Street investment bank, where we’re sure he’ll remain the life of the party and a force to be reckoned with.
Most Likely to Have Been Voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in Their High School Yearbook: Gabe Delaney
Gabe Delaney has a skillset and a schedule that would impress any high school yearbook committee. From the moment he got to Penn, Gabe was shaking hands and gathering signatures—if you hadn't met him by the end of freshman year, you must have been trying pretty hard not to. His engagement and ambition haven't let up since: Gabe served as UA Vice President for the 2013 academic year and is an avid Model UN competitor with IAA, editor at Penn Political Review and Speaker of the newly formed Penn Political Union.
Best Dressed: Nolan Burger
Nolan is the king of sweaters. He lives in a world that comes pre–VSCO–cam–ed, because that’s just how hip he is. You would recognize him by his tortoiseshell glasses, perfectly tailored skinny jeans and vintage boots. He has a tattoo with a deep meaning and probably owns a Moleskin. All this being said, you may assume that Nolan is vain or spends too much time crafting this perfect aura, but Nolan is amazing, and he is not trying at all. He is sweet and kind and fascinating. Yep, we hate him too.
Most Likely to Shatter the Glass Ceiling: Joyce Kim
Joyce handles a lot more than airport shuttles. As the President of the UA and former chair of the United Minorities Council, she knows a thing or two about being the boss. When this Sphinge isn’t meeting Amy Gutmann, she stays busy leading Pennacle, taking amazing photos and speaking at Affirmative Action Panels. Not convinced yet? She hangs out with a crew of super powerful Penn women—check out her Instagram. Joyce also excels at biking while clad in a Vagina costume (she's in VagMons). Consider that glass ceiling shattered.
Most Likely to Win a Nobel Prize: Simeon Esprit
Like the saints that share his name, Sim brings a calming aura everywhere he goes. At Pottruck, this British basketball player–meets–Classics major is always willing to talk about life, philosophy and Greek mythology between muscle–ups and dunking on your sorry ass. At Smoke’s, his gentle refusal of your “totally real” I.D. makes anger impossible, while his height makes arguing with him a literal pain in the neck. Today he’s pacifying confused internationals and irate frat stars—tomorrow, world leaders. It’s only a matter of time before those stuffed shirts in Oslo take notice.
Closest Freshman Hall: The Nipple
Fisher–Hassenfeld's Upper Courtyard a.k.a. "The Nipple" has bred superlative winners before, and this year is no exception. While the Nipple itself is too large to constitute one tight–knit freshman hall, there's still a proud crew that has stuck together throughout college—some even live together in a house aptly named The Underboob. The senior Nipplers would like to shout out their RAs: Angel, Amit, Maya and Amrit, their House Dean April and Faculty Master Sandy.
Most Changed from Freshman Year: Kay Lu
It seems like yesterday that a our favorite Hong Konger was rocking her shoulder length 'do—since then the cut has gone through several metamorphoses: Skrillex–style, bob cut, pixie cut. She could be bald for all we care (coming in 2015?), it’s Kay’s ear–to–ear grin and caring heart that everyone’s fallen for (Kay may or may not be the most popular person in our class. Hint: she is). Some things certainly don’t change, such as Kay’s love of food, or rather, eating it. Ask her how many meals she had today; she’ll tell you over dinner.
Most Likely to Always Have More Work Than You: Sydney Cantor
Sydney’s schedule leaves you wondering, ‘How does she do it?’ This TriDelt, Hex, M&T, Ben Franklin Scholar and Joseph Wharton Scholar is often found slaving over Excel spreadsheets late into the night in the Huntsman 2nd floor study lounge. When she’s not hitting the books, she's leading tours around campus and training for the upcoming marathon (this is probably to counteract her KitKat and cheese addiction). It’s safe to say she’s running laps around the rest of us. Ask her nicely and she’ll recite the first 100 digits of Pi.
Most Likely to Volunteer to Move to Mars as Part of an Interstellar Colonization Experiment: David Tompkins
This M&T funnyman is a bundle of energy and originality, which is probably why it wouldn't surprise his friends if he moved to Mars. Social chair of Phi Psi and a member The Bell Society, David is game for anything, but his fellow Martian colonizers should be careful: Tompkins thrives on pranks and is surely the most infamous trickster of the Class of 2015. Let's just say he loves Wishbone and is a *puzzling* member of our collective senior society. If this future toymaker ends up on another planet, there will never be a dull moment for him and his alien comrades.
Pennaissance Person: Jordyn Feingold
Jordyn Feingold is Locust Walk embodied in human form—and we're not talking about rainy, trip–on–a–missing–brick Locust Walk. We're talking 65 degrees, leaves–just–started–falling, passing–period packed, picturesque Locust Walk. This Friars–Off The Beat–VagMons–PanHel queen is the student you dreamed of being when you first grabbed that Penn admissions brochure. Jordyn loves this school about as much as Amy Gutmann loves red suits and using the phrase "Best Class Ever."
Most Likely to Be on the Cover of Sports Illustrated: Mitch King
You may remember Mitch from his starring role in the YouTube video “Penn Football Unveils New Gray Alternate Jersey,” in which he modeled the New Gray Alternate Jersey for his extremely excited teammates. It’s clear that sexiness and athleticism come naturally to this Beta bro, who stands at 6’6" and plays tight end for the Quakers. If he looks this good in gray, then we can only imagine what he would like on a national magazine cover. *Swoon*
Most Likely to Headline Fling: Jesse Fink
While it’s unclear if Jesse is still technically a Penn student, one thing’s for sure: this Oz New Yorker is going places. As the lead singer of his band The HeyDaze, Jesse has been on national tours with big names like Jesse McCartney and Timeflies. That's already enough to qualify him for at least a SPEC Fall Concerts' spot. Give The HeyDaze a few years, and they could be the next One Direction. It could be Jesse's vomit being auctioned off on eBay. We can totally see The HeyDaze tearing up Franklin Field—let's just hope they remember us when they make it big.
Person You Wish You Knew: Eric Shapiro
Despite transferring from NYU sophomore year, Eric is one of the most talked about people on campus. Eric dances to the beat of his own drum, or rather makes his own beat as one of the drummers for African Rythms. He's in Wharton, but you probably won’t see his man bun at Goldman Sachs any time soon: he built his own concentration in Innovative Leadership and Education. When he isn’t hanging out with his twin brother or making hand turkeys with the rest of Sphinx, he is working with the Fellowship for Building Intercultural Communities.
