I hooked up with a friend of mine and she told me the next day that it probably shouldn't happen again. I obviously want to respect what she wants and would understand if she actually wants to be just friends, but I couldn't help but feel like there was a real connection. It felt like it was going to be a good thing and I've actually liked her for a bit, so when it finally happened it was easily the best night of my year. So I am not sure if I should be straight and tell her how I feel or just stay friends and hope for the best in the future. — Male, 2020, Heterosexual

First off, we think it’s great that you’re emphasizing her feelings and your friendship. Don’t lose sight of those priorities, regardless of how things play out! Now, as someone who has hooked up with and had feelings for many of his friends over the years, John would be happy to share some insights he’s gleaned.

I, John, think a flowchart may help you best understand some of the outcomes that I’ve experienced. I find flowcharts to be extremely useful, and often use them in my own journal. I hope this one helps you!

Photo: Lucy Ferry

However you proceed, keep in mind what we said at the beginning. Don’t lose sight of the value of your friendship. None of these outcomes are more favorable than the others, so long as you continue to benefit from one another’s friendship. We wish you both the best!

How do I introduce my incredibly vanilla significant other to my slightly–shameful fantasies? — Female, 2018, Homosexual

Well, let’s start from the very beginning: your fantasies aren’t shameful! You should never feel ashamed or embarrassed by what you are or think you might be into. If someone makes you feel that way, they’re the problem. You definitely came to the right place because one of us likes getting pissed on, and one of us likes getting slapped across the face and choked, so this is a judgement free zone.

Much like some of the other topics we’ve covered this semester (e.g. pegging, sexy photos), the key here is not being afraid to make your desires known to your partner. Like we said, if they make you feel bad about your preferences, they’re a loser! It might help to talk out why your kink turns you on and what it means to you; having an explanation behind it might make it seem a little less freaky and foreign to your partner. However, even if they are understanding, that will not necessarily result in their willingness to try out your fantasies. 

If this is the case, you can try to work out a compromise. Maybe they’d be willing to watch some porn of what you’re proposing or try out a toned–down version. Maybe they have a fantasy of their own, and you can agree to give both a shot. It goes without saying, but don’t be coercive or manipulative. We’re talking about an interpersonal compromise, not a business negotiation. If your preferences don’t line up exactly, be as respectful of their boundaries as they (hopefully) were of your kinks. The end goal should be mutual happiness, not trying your fantasies at the expense of their comfort.

Good luck, and if all else fails, one of us has found that pissing on yourself is almost just as good!

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