So you've gotten into Penn, and maybe you were the biggest loser in high school, but guess what? Karma has just kicked you right in the ass, and now you have a second chance to do high school all over again. Here at Penn, it's more important than ever to be cool--but don't fret--if you follow these simple instructions no one will ever know that your nickname was "The Power-Tool" and that you were caught playing with yourself under the desk in eighth grade to a Tori Spelling layout.
For the boys: The first thing you have to know is that you are now in an ocean full of New Jersey and Long Island "y" chromosomes--so the most important thing is image, image, image. You have a few options here, but the most popular look seems to be the "Pretty Bitch" look. As with every costume, there are a few props that are a must to get into the frat of choice, so you can score all the coke-snorting, Diesel-wearing chicks. For starters, get your flat-ass out to the King of Prussia mall and spend all your Bat Mitzvah change on the latest in men's wear. Then it's off to the salon for a manicure and eyebrow wax. Think this sounds effeminate? Well, everyone else is doing it, so you may as well, too. The next step is to flaunt your money in whatever manner you choose (brownie points for Prada) and the rest is in the bag, baby.
For the girls: As with the men, it's very important to look good at all times, even when you are trying to look as if you're not, such as, "I'm in the gym. I didn't mean to coordinate my outfit and my hair just naturally falls into place." If you used to be called "Thunder Thighs," you now have an opportunity to starve yourself to your optimum weight by acquiring a Parliament lights habit and pretending like you're sick when you're really not. So what if your esophagus bursts from the constant flow of bile? You just might get that appropriately waxed hot senior guy that everyone has her eye on. The thing is, it doesn't matter how insecure you feel at times--just pretend like you own the world (or at least your daddy does) and you will be on top of the food chain we here like to call Penn.
