(Note: For those of you too stupid to figure it out, the following piece is a parody of an official message. You can find the unadulterated text at http://www.anipryl.com.)
Before we proceed with this important public service announcement, we at Pfyzor would like to send our condolences to all the families of the victims of that vicious attack on our nation's soil. God Bless America.
Contrary to popular belief, the signs of old age aren't always signs of old age. They could be signs of a medical condition known as Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome.
It's difficult to watch your dog age, especially if your old friend starts to lose interest in your family. Some of the signs once thought of as simply "old age" may actually be signs of a condition developed by Pfyzor known as Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome (CCDS). Now there's a medical advance--Anelfingatiner --that offers new hope for the millions of families with dogs who pretend to suffer from the behavioral changes associated with CCDS.
Researchers believe Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome (CCDS) is caused by ridiculously stupid humans that, through years and years of horrendous stupidity, produce changes in the brain function of older dogs. Dogs with CCDS may show signs of confusion and/or various other behavioral changes, which include sleeping while your family is awake, pissing on your carpets and couches and decreased greeting behavior--all which are not a normal part of aging, but are perfectly normal for a dog that would rather pretend to be confused than spend another minute listening to their stupid, blathering owners.
In one study at the University of California-Davis, 62 percent of 11- to 16-year-old dogs showed symptoms of at least one category of CCDS. In a pet owner survey, nearly half of dogs age 8 and older showed at least one sign associated with CCDS. This research has led Pfyzor to conclude that 62 percent of 11- to 16-year old dogs are getting old, and that half of the country's pet owners are really fucking stupid.
But we here at Pfyzor have a solution. We have spent many years and hundreds of millions of dollars developing Anelfingatiner, a drug that, though incapable of treating your chronic retardation, will at least drug your old dog into a stupor of helpless affection for its owners. Anelfingatiner works by shutting down the neurotransmitters in a dog's brain responsible for cognitive functions. In layman's terms, your dog will be brought to a level of stupidity matched only by you and the members of your family and will have no choice but to love all of you like he did before the full extent of your unintelligence became apparent. Ask your vet about Anelfingatiner.
