We here at Street know that in these crazy days, you might find it difficult to keep a calm head on your shoulders. The world is scary. We know this. There are scary men who want to do scary things to all of us. We know this, too. But Street will not go gentle into that good night. Therefore, we have consulted the experts and compiled a list of precautions to help keep you safe.
1. If you receive an unexpected letter and find a fine, white powder, don't snort it.
2. The woman with the American flag visor is your friend. She will protect you.
3. Any crowded space is a potential target. Avoid people.
4. Be wary of suspicious dust.
5. Reject all mail from Trenton.
6. The onset of Anthrax is marked by Flu-like symptoms. If your roommate sneezes, call dibs on his girlfriend.
7. This is no time to be fucking sheep. It never is.
8. A gun is the best protection against a box-cutter.
9. When Bush delivers a proper grammatical sentence, we're in deep diplomatic shit.
10. Apply for a Swiss visa. Their cheese is great and they always pussy out of wars.
11. An unmarked truck could explode at any minute. Avoid all buildings that are near trucks.
12. Beware of these subversive locations and people:
a. Any drugstore without "God Bless America" on repeat
b. The World Literature Section of Van Pelt
c. Wharton
d. You
