We at Street would like to see our readership gainfully employed come May, so we've scoured the depths of the third bolgia of PennTRAK to discover jobs that would even make Dante proud. With a weak economy, it's more important than ever to use Daddy's connections, but for those of you (like us) who don't have such luxuries, there's more options than "postal worker."
JOB TITLE
University Administrator
COMPANY DESCRIPTION
Princeton University is a co-educational institution located in Princeton, N.J., a half-wit town located half-way between New York and Philadelphia. We pride ourselves on teaching our students in a safe, heterogeneous environment, where mainstream thought will not be too discouraged, and where students can feel safe that what they learn will not frighten them away from the outside world.
JOB DESCRIPTION
We seek quality university administrators. Salary will be readjusted annually at the same rate as Princeton grade inflation.
QUALIFICATIONS
Must have three years experience as a university administrator. BA/BS in liberal arts is appreciated, but will consider all applicants from accredited VoTech schools. Willingness to relocate to New Jersey necessary (moving costs and case of Lysol included). Jews need not apply.
CONTACT
Andrew Whitblake, IV
College Drive
666 Nassau Street
Princeton, NJ 08719
JOB TITLE
Policy Analyst
COMPANY DESCRIPTION
Middle-sized government in arid region. We aim to provide sustainable services for the people of our country and provide as a role model for effective government throughout the world. We need bright people to make this happen.
JOB DESCRIPTION
We seek an experienced policy analyst to develop sustainable housing and food rationing programs. Daily activities will involve summarizing health statements, faxing, photocopying and roughing up refugees.
QUALIFICATIONS
BA or BS in Public Policy with a GPA of 2.5 or better is helpful, although we're not so picky. Experience feeding a large society with only one carton of Parmalat and two cases of Twinkies will be useful.
CONTACT
Mullah Mohammed Omar
The Taliban
Kabul 90210
Afghanistan
JOB TITLE
"Entertainer"
COMPANY DESCRIPTION
Profitable theme restaurant located in University City attracts a crowd of university students looking to get away from the hustle of academic life.
JOB DESCRIPTION
Entertainers and waitresses required to please a largely male clientele looking to have a good time.
QUALIFICATIONS
Agility and flexibility are useful. Drug test mandatory. Must pass oral interview before employment. Vocal skills not imperative.
CONTACT
Club Blyzzzzardz
1083 Chest-Nuts Street
Philadelphia, PA 19104
JOB TITLE
Journalist
COMPANY DESCRIPTION
The Weekly World News has been informing readers for 50 years on pressing matters passed over by major newspapers. The best-selling publication in New Mexico, we recently featured Pulitzer-nominated coverage of Hitler's half-man, half-schnauzer love-child and the "How fat is your mama?" special on obesity.
JOB DESCRIPTION
Travel the country looking for the incredible stories of average people like you and me.
QUALIFICATIONS
English major with 3.5 required. Concentration or coursework in creative writing will come in handy. We also seek a team of experienced law school graduates.
CONTACT
Chrissy Cox
American Media
1402 Yamato Drive
Boca Raton, FL 33062
JOB TITLE
Senator
COMPANY DESCRIPTION
The Senate has been debating the views of rich white men for centuries. Proud to have stalled the civil rights movement better than putting E.Coli in the fritters at that Birmingham Woolworths.
JOB DESCRIPTION
Senators are required to attend state dinners, cut ribbons, shake hands, kiss babies and plead for campaign funds.
QUALIFICATIONS
Crotchety white male, preferably over the age of 65 with visible liver spots. Must hate blacks, Asians, gays, Hispanics and women. Frequent use of expletives and slurred speech is favorable.
CONTACT
Office of Retiring Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC)
403 Dirksen Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
OR
Office of Dying Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC)
217 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
