While reading the following play, keep in mind that, unlike a novel, a short story or a poem, a play script is not at all a finished product. A play script should be treated as a blueprint for what will eventually be fully produced on stage. So when you read this play, remember this necessity, and try to envision actual people speaking the lines of dialogue, with all the innuendos and tics that real people bring to a real conversation. In my opinion, it's the only way to read a play.
--Jon Rand
Rand is a College senior working toward a Theatre Arts major. The co-founder of Playscripts.com, he is currently in the Quadramics play, Rumors, by Neil Simon.
[The back of a diner. JANE and MARY are sitting at a table, waiting for their food. There is an empty table next to them. To the left is the bathroom offstage, and a pair of onstage sinks.]
JANE: I met someone.
MARY: Really? Who?
JANE: Just some guy. You don't know him...
MARY: What's he like?
JANE: You'd like him. I met him at this party...
[Waiter enters, leading AVERY, TOM and DEAN onstage to a table directly next to the girls. Dean sits down in seat farthest from any of the girls.]
TOM: Look how crowded it is...
AVERY: Guess there's not much to do at two on a Saturday night.
[Avery sits down next to Dean and Mary.]
TOM: Um... Avery...
AVERY: Just sit down. There's nothing to worry about.
[Tom sits down next to Jane.]
JANE [To Mary]: So, I was at this party...
MARY: You're always at some party.
JANE: He was really nice...
MARY: They're all really nice.
DEAN: [To Tom] What's good here?
AVERY: It just opened.
TOM: I'm starving.
JANE: [To Mary] The Sisters want to know when you're going to stop by the house.
MARY: I'm really busy with rehearsal and everything...
TOM: [To Avery] Where were you last night?
JANE: [To Mary] Well, the girls miss you.
AVERY: I was at John's. He has the biggest TV I've ever seen.
MARY: It's a huge time commitment.
TOM: What?
JANE: What is?
AVERY: John's TV.
MARY: Rehearsal. Aren't you listening?
[Waiter comes with notepad.]
DEAN: I'll have two eggs, over easy.
TOM: I'll have fried eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, hash browns and a milk shake.
WAITER: Yes, yes.
AVERY: Can I have two eggs, but have them sunny side up?
WAITER: Sunny side up?
AVERY: Yeah. Sunny side up.
WAITER: I don't understand.
AVERY: What don't you understand?
WAITER: Sunny up? What is this?
AVERY: Just write "Two Eggs, sunny side up." The cook will understand.
[Waiter exits. A beat.]
MARY: They're all going to be scrambled.
[A beat.]
TOM: What are?
MARY: Your eggs. He's going to mess up your order.
TOM: Oh, right.
[A beat. Dean smiles.]
DEAN: [To Tom] How do you guys know Beth?
TOM: She's sort of a friend of a friend. [A beat] How long are you staying in Philly?
DEAN: I'm just passing through. I'm driving out west on Monday.
TOM: Oh, yeah, Beth mentioned something about that.
DEAN: Yeah?
JANE: So I think I really like him.
MARY: Who?
JANE: The guy I met at that party.
MARY: You and your guys.
AVERY: What are you doing out west?
DEAN: I'm visiting a few friends of mine who are touring out there.
TOM: In a band?
DEAN: Yeah.
JANE: This one is different.
MARY: Wasn't the last one different?
DEAN: I may actually play with them a little bit.
TOM: You play?
[Dean nods.]
AVERY: What instrument?
DEAN: Piano. A little guitar.
JANE: Like a ukulele?
[Everyone looks at Jane.]
JANE: You know, a ukulele--aren't they those little guitars?
MARY: Jane, are you kidding?
JANE: About what?
MARY: Never mind.
DEAN: I actually have played a ukulele...
JANE: Oh no.
[Jane notices someone offstage.]
MARY: What?
JANE: That guy is here...
MARY: Which guy?
JANE: Bob.
[BOB enters. He stands next to Tom.]
BOB: Jane! How are you?
JANE: I'm good. How are you?
BOB: Can't complain. You done partying?
MARY: Jane's had too much partying.
BOB: I know what you mean. That party on 41st--
[Bob glances at guys. Tom looks at Avery]
TOM [To Avery]: Do you think he wants to sit down?
AVERY: Probably.
TOM: Do you think I should move over?
AVERY: Don't be a tool.
JANE: [To Bob] Really?
BOB: Yeah, it was wild-
TOM: It looks like he wants to--
AVERY: Everyone knows what it looks like. Stay where you are.
MARY: Do you want to...
[Mary begins to gesture for him to sit down, and then thinks better of it]
BOB: No, I gotta run. So I'll see you around.
JANE: Yeah, I'll see you, Bob.
[Bob exits.]
MARY: Jane, you know too many people.
JANE: Bob? He's nice.
MARY: They're all nice. Where'd you pick him up?
JANE: I met him at that mixer last week, with... which frat was it?
MARY: How should I know?
JANE: You were there.
MARY: Was I?
DEAN: You guys aren't in frats, are you?
TOM: No.
AVERY: Tom got a bid. But he turned it down.
TOM: I just wasn't sure.
DEAN: How 'bout you?
AVERY: I didn't really prove myself to the Brothers.
MARY: Why isn't our food here yet?
AVERY: It's hard to cook something when it's written in Portuguese.
[Silence]
MARY: I'm going to the bathroom.
JANE: I'll go too.
[Mary and Jane rise and exit.]
TOM: Why do girls always go to the bathroom in pairs?
AVERY: Fucker, it's so that one of them doesn't have to stay here and chill with us.
TOM: Do you think they know we're stoned?
AVERY: I can't even feel it anymore.
DEAN: I wouldn't worry about it, guys.
TOM: I hate situations like these.
DEAN: Three guys--two girls--all alone, back of a diner--
AVERY: Is the girl sitting next to me attractive?
TOM: The bitchy one? Why don't you know?
AVERY: I can't exactly look over and check her out.
TOM: Yeah, she's OK. How 'bout the one next to me? She's really good-looking.
AVERY: I don't know. Maybe. She just looks like your typical sorority girl, cute, but not too cute, smart but not too smart, probably doesn't eat enough, probably a real nice girl when you get to know her--
DEAN: Why don't you guys just talk to them?
AVERY: I don't have anything to say to these girls.
TOM: What are we going to talk about?
DEAN: You go to the same school.
AVERY: You'd be surprised how tenuous a connection that turns out to be.
DEAN: What if you were in a Waffle House?
TOM: What are you talking about?
AVERY: What's a Waffle House?
TOM: It's a Southern thing. It's like IHOP, but not as nice.
DEAN: I'm just saying, if you were in some other city, and you found out you both went to the same school, wouldn't you talk to them? Wouldn't you find something to say?
TOM: Like what? Who I had for Freshman Psych? I don't care who they had.
AVERY: Probably that old guy--what's his name--with that accent--
DEAN: It doesn't matter what you talk about. It's an icebreaker.
AVERY: I'm at a diner. My diner. I don't want to be breaking ice right now.
[Girls enter and stand by sinks.]
JANE: What do you think of those guys?
MARY: I don't know.
JANE: I think they're nice.
MARY: They're all nice.
[They start walking back]
JANE: Do you think they know I'm drunk?
[Girls return. Jane knocks a glass of water over right next to Tom]
MARY: They do now.
JANE: Oh my God! I'm so sorry.
TOM: Don't worry about it.
JANE: I'm so embarrassed.
TOM: It's OK. You missed me. [Beat] I'm Tom.
JANE: I'm Jane. It's nice to meet you.
AVERY: I'm Avery.
MARY: Mary.
JANE: [To Dean] What was your name again?
DEAN: I'm Dean.
JANE: Are you freshmen?
AVERY: No.
JANE: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
TOM: What have you been up to tonight?
JANE: Just some parties. [Beat] Did you guys do anything interesting?
TOM: We just went to this girl's house--
MARY: Sounds like fun.
[Silence]
JANE: [To Dean] So are you all roommates?
DEAN: I don't go here.
MARY: Really? Where do you go?
DEAN: I used to go to Hampshire.
JANE: Did you graduate?
MARY: What kind of question is that?
DEAN: I'm 26.
JANE: Oh. OK.
TOM: Avery and I are roommates. And Dean, he's a friend of a friend.
JANE: Cool.
AVERY: I wish our food would get here.
MARY: We've been waiting forever.
[Silence. After a moment, the Waiter comes bearing two huge trays. As he calls out their orders, the characters grab their plates.]
WAITER: Eggs--Over-Easy--Scrambled--Cheese Sandwich--French Toast--Sunny Eggs
[No one claims the scrambled eggs.]
AVERY: [To Tom] I think those are yours.
TOM: Excuse me, I ordered fried eggs...
WAITER: Yes, I know.
[Exits]
AVERY: Oh well.
TOM: I should be able to get fried eggs.
AVERY: Did you ever go the diner last year?
JANE: Oh, that was a thousand times worse than this.
TOM: They didn't even have eggs.
MARY: So it could be worse.
AVERY: [To Dean] They had this bullshit upscale thing here last year. It was horrible.
JANE: We waited hours just to be seated.
DEAN: So it didn't last long? The old diner?
AVERY: They just couldn't get their shit together.
TOM: The eggs aren't bad.
AVERY: They're not fried either.
TOM: [His mouth full] Hey, you get what you're given.
MARY: I would have sent it back.
AVERY: Tom doesn't like to make a scene. Especially when he's stoned.
JANE: You're stoned?
AVERY: Ridiculously.
JANE: Oh.
MARY: That explains it.
TOM: Nice job, asshole.
JANE: No, no, its fine ...
TOM: Oh. Do you girls party?
MARY: Not like that.
[Silence]
AVERY: I'll be back.
TOM: Where are you going?
AVERY: The bathroom. I didn't feel like announcing.
TOM: Fuck you. I was going to go the bathroom.
AVERY: There's probably room for two, Tom.
[Avery exits. Tom gets up and follows him. Silence]
JANE: So you're in a band?
DEAN: No, not really. I'm just going to play with a few friends of mine out west.
JANE: I love music. Which band is it?
DEAN: You don't know them.
JANE: No, no, I know, like, every band.
DEAN: They're a jam band.
JANE: Oh, like Phish?
DEAN: Sort of. [Beat] Perfect Strangers?
JANE: What?
DEAN: That's the name of the band.
JANE: Oh. I don't know them.
[Avery and Tom return from the bathroom. They eat for a little while in silence]
JANE: Do you guys smoke a lot?
[Silence]
TOM: Where was that party you went to...
[Silence]
AVERY: Can we stop this?
JANE: Stop what?
AVERY: This situation.
MARY: He's right.
AVERY: We don't know each other, we're complete strangers, we've just been thrown together by random chance and a foreign waiter... Why is this so awkward?
JANE: Well...
TOM: Maybe if we went around the table and introduced ourselves...
AVERY: Tom, shut the fuck up.
MARY: You can't have a real conversation with someone you don't know.
AVERY: Exactly. I don't want to go a mixer at a diner at two in the morning on a Saturday night after a marathon smoke fest that fried my brain! I just want to sit down, be comfortable, and eat my eggs.
JANE: What do we do about it?
MARY: I think we just pretend they're not here.
TOM: What? We just ignore each other?
AVERY: It will be easier than you think.
JANE: We just pretend we're alone?
AVERY: We are alone. So let's just finish our meal, and stop brutalizing ourselves.
[Waiter arrives, bringing one check.]
DEAN: Can we get separate checks?
WAITER: I don't understand.
CURTAIN
Josh Boyette is a College sophomore. He likes sunny eggs.
